There are things I just can't tell you, blog.
Whether they're things that I'm too ashamed to admit I have stupidly done or longings I might describe that would alienate any individual who reads them. There are things I can't describe. Like how I'm desperately feeling both the desire to disappear and the urge to be more present than ever and how those clashing feelings are turning me into a puddle of confusion. There isn't the space on these pages to transcribe the narrative that is going on at warp speed in my head. Nor is there a font or size I could choose that would truly express the significance or shockingness of the denouements of some of these garbled plot lines. There are secrets that aren't mine to tell. Or at least I'm sure they can't be mine because that's not my idea in my head or at least I was a different person when I thought it and I'm not even sure really how this person who is inhabiting me now got the password to my account. There are things too dull, too inane, too related to the bodily function (which is disfunctioning) to relate that if I told you all of them I'd bore you to sleep, even though these are the very things that keep me up at night.
In short there are too many words in me that have nowhere to go and they are ripping me apart. They seep out of my eyes at inopportune times. I built a life around words but now I want them all gone. I want the peace that must exist in the absence of language.
Friday, 28 March 2014
Saturday, 15 March 2014
Familiar feelings
I realised this week that I have now had 6 first days at 6 different higher education facilities in the last 14 years. No wonder the creeping sense of deja vu was resting on my shoulder for much of this week. So, what do I think of my new course? Well... Let's see, there are people in my Creative Writing class who confess to not having any fondness for reading or writing which I find alarming but my tutor just took in her stride. My Philosophy tutor is young, cool and slightly good looking and boy, doesn't he know it! He spent most of the class trash talking Deakin, the university experience and philosophy as a subject so I'll be interested to see where he takes us. My Film Studies lecturer clearly has stand-up comedy aspirations but seems to be a decent fellow and my Film Studies tutor told me it's basically impossible to fail the class, so that's reassuring.
This week has also seen my triumphant return to the MTC Box Office following an absence of nearly 4 years. It's all much as I remember it although the staff are all different and I can't work out where I fit in the pecking order just now. I feel like I had such a busy week but since work only made up a small part of that I will only be receiving a depressingly small amount in my pay cheque next week. Already the sinking feelings that accompany poverty are settling in the pit of my stomach.
It occurs to me that I have once again withdrawn from all social interactions. I haven't checked Facebook to find out if any events are happening and I haven't reached out to any of my friends to catch up. It's hard. I feel so tired at the moment and my timetable seems so intractable. Plus I'm broke! But spending all my time curled up in bed with my laptop is not a path to wellness.
I shall endeavour to venture out of my cocoon at least once next week in what will hopefully be a more settled week as I settle into my new routine. Hopefully my new routine will soon also incorporate visits to the gym at Deakin but right now the whole no time + no money = impossible life equation is making that difficult. Still, something to aspire to, one must have goals, even if they are trivially small.
I feel like all my current life goals are very modest. Stay well enough to keep out of hospital, start exercising again, pass semester 1 of a Bachelor of Arts. I wish I had at least one impossible dream or lofty ambition. Perhaps it just means I'm grounded and living in the real world for once. I'm sure I'll find a way to be happy here.
This week has also seen my triumphant return to the MTC Box Office following an absence of nearly 4 years. It's all much as I remember it although the staff are all different and I can't work out where I fit in the pecking order just now. I feel like I had such a busy week but since work only made up a small part of that I will only be receiving a depressingly small amount in my pay cheque next week. Already the sinking feelings that accompany poverty are settling in the pit of my stomach.
It occurs to me that I have once again withdrawn from all social interactions. I haven't checked Facebook to find out if any events are happening and I haven't reached out to any of my friends to catch up. It's hard. I feel so tired at the moment and my timetable seems so intractable. Plus I'm broke! But spending all my time curled up in bed with my laptop is not a path to wellness.
I shall endeavour to venture out of my cocoon at least once next week in what will hopefully be a more settled week as I settle into my new routine. Hopefully my new routine will soon also incorporate visits to the gym at Deakin but right now the whole no time + no money = impossible life equation is making that difficult. Still, something to aspire to, one must have goals, even if they are trivially small.
I feel like all my current life goals are very modest. Stay well enough to keep out of hospital, start exercising again, pass semester 1 of a Bachelor of Arts. I wish I had at least one impossible dream or lofty ambition. Perhaps it just means I'm grounded and living in the real world for once. I'm sure I'll find a way to be happy here.
Thursday, 6 March 2014
Transition times
It's laughable sometimes what I write in my blog.
Like in the last post when I was all 'rah rah, gonna sleep well, do yoga and be organised' and then proceeded to partake in the most exhausting, disorganised, yoga-free weeks I've had in a long time.
Sleep has been a real issue these past few weeks. Being particularly busy on top of feeling mildly depressed and highly anxious has left me exhausted. I got into a terrible habit of getting home from work around 6.30pm and going straight to bed, waking up around 11.30pm, starved and wired, browsing the internet for pictures of Benedict Cumberbatch for a few hours and then finally going back to sleep between 2.00-3.00am. Not good.
Because I was sleeping through all the useful hours of the evening it meant that I didn't organise myself well for moving house, I didn't make it to yoga and I'm woefully underprepared for starting uni.
But I did move house. That happened and now I'm living in a sea of unpacked boxes and bags. It does not aid with my sense of my life being disorganised. I must say it is nice to come home and be greeted by hugs from my nephew Max and dinner being made by my brother Nick, so I think it has overall been a step in a positive direction.
Uni orientation was this week although I only made it to one day as work asked me to stay on an additional week and I'm not really in a position to be refusing money right now. I have bought all of my text books and looked up all my assigned reading and quite frankly I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed. The sheer volume of reading is immense. I was a few paragraphs in to Plato's Symposium when my wandering mind remembered that I urgently needed to update my blog. Tiredness doesnt help with this distractedness and I just hope that the first few weeks of classes aren't marred by this.
There is a small slice of good news and that is that I have been offered a job in the MTC Box Office. Hopefully this means I'll have enough income (along with whatever measly amount the government sees fit to proffer) to keep me in lithium and chicken nuggets for my uni days. It does mean I'm going to be busy though, already my next two weeks have jam packed schedules.
I'm not going to be so foolish as to discuss my plans for coolly breezing through these next few weeks of transition. That would just be bullshit and I do want to keep this a BS free zone. My psychiatrist summed it up for me when I saw him the other night, he said, "But hey, look at you surviving all this crap." And he's right. I am surviving. If I can make it through these transition times it shows how far along I've come.
Like in the last post when I was all 'rah rah, gonna sleep well, do yoga and be organised' and then proceeded to partake in the most exhausting, disorganised, yoga-free weeks I've had in a long time.
Sleep has been a real issue these past few weeks. Being particularly busy on top of feeling mildly depressed and highly anxious has left me exhausted. I got into a terrible habit of getting home from work around 6.30pm and going straight to bed, waking up around 11.30pm, starved and wired, browsing the internet for pictures of Benedict Cumberbatch for a few hours and then finally going back to sleep between 2.00-3.00am. Not good.
Because I was sleeping through all the useful hours of the evening it meant that I didn't organise myself well for moving house, I didn't make it to yoga and I'm woefully underprepared for starting uni.
But I did move house. That happened and now I'm living in a sea of unpacked boxes and bags. It does not aid with my sense of my life being disorganised. I must say it is nice to come home and be greeted by hugs from my nephew Max and dinner being made by my brother Nick, so I think it has overall been a step in a positive direction.
Uni orientation was this week although I only made it to one day as work asked me to stay on an additional week and I'm not really in a position to be refusing money right now. I have bought all of my text books and looked up all my assigned reading and quite frankly I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed. The sheer volume of reading is immense. I was a few paragraphs in to Plato's Symposium when my wandering mind remembered that I urgently needed to update my blog. Tiredness doesnt help with this distractedness and I just hope that the first few weeks of classes aren't marred by this.
There is a small slice of good news and that is that I have been offered a job in the MTC Box Office. Hopefully this means I'll have enough income (along with whatever measly amount the government sees fit to proffer) to keep me in lithium and chicken nuggets for my uni days. It does mean I'm going to be busy though, already my next two weeks have jam packed schedules.
I'm not going to be so foolish as to discuss my plans for coolly breezing through these next few weeks of transition. That would just be bullshit and I do want to keep this a BS free zone. My psychiatrist summed it up for me when I saw him the other night, he said, "But hey, look at you surviving all this crap." And he's right. I am surviving. If I can make it through these transition times it shows how far along I've come.
Tuesday, 18 February 2014
Upheaval
This is turning out to be quite a time of upheaval and change for me. I was thinking to myself just the other day how well I was handling it all. Well, that was a nice day. I should have known it was never going to last.
I think when all the change seemed very abstract and theoretical to me I could cope with it just fine but now that I've had some concrete lumps of inevitable fact dumped in my lap I'm freaking out just a little. So, what's changed?
Well, I confirmed the date I'm moving out of my current sublet and in with my brother and my nephew. Suddenly the thought of moving across to the other side of town seems scary and I'm panicking because I haven't used up all 10 of the yoga classes I paid for. In the few moments of rationality I'm afforded I recognise that there is nothing to stop me travelling back to this side of town to take a yoga class because really it's not that far and let's face it, I'm soon likely to have more free time on my hands.
I don't think I've itirated this at all in my blog yet but I'm going to be without work as of next Friday. My department is being folded into another department for the time being and so my services will no longer be required. I'd managed to push my impending unemployment to the back of my mind but now that it's steadily approaching I'm hitting panic mode. I had a job interview today which I think I tanked (group interview - revealed my weakness for not suffering fools) and I have another one on Thursday but there is still a distinct possibility that I might have no income in less than two weeks.
What I do know I'll be doing in two weeks is attending orientation at Deakin University where I've been accepted to study a Bachelor of Arts. I've been saying I wanted to go back to study for months but now that it's really happening I'm filled with feelings of dread and inadequacy. What happens if I'm not smart enough? What if everyone there hates me? What if the poverty I'll have to endure while studying drives me back to the brink?
I'm getting stress headaches just thinking about all of this. There have even been times this week when I've been so preoccupied that I've forgotten to eat. Me! Forget to eat!
What I need to do is practice some acceptance and commitment therapy and recognise that the panicky thoughts are not helping me. Then I need to commit to taking actions and thinking thoughts that are helpful and in line with my goals and values. In practical terms this means staying organised so that I don't get overwhelmed by any of the upcoming events, taking care of myself so getting good rest, eating well and regularly and attending yoga and lastly, reaching out to those around me to let them know this is likely to be a rough time and I might need help.
So there you are, you're forewarned, rough seas ahead. But hopefully once I've gone through this transition time it will all be smooth sailing.
I think when all the change seemed very abstract and theoretical to me I could cope with it just fine but now that I've had some concrete lumps of inevitable fact dumped in my lap I'm freaking out just a little. So, what's changed?
Well, I confirmed the date I'm moving out of my current sublet and in with my brother and my nephew. Suddenly the thought of moving across to the other side of town seems scary and I'm panicking because I haven't used up all 10 of the yoga classes I paid for. In the few moments of rationality I'm afforded I recognise that there is nothing to stop me travelling back to this side of town to take a yoga class because really it's not that far and let's face it, I'm soon likely to have more free time on my hands.
I don't think I've itirated this at all in my blog yet but I'm going to be without work as of next Friday. My department is being folded into another department for the time being and so my services will no longer be required. I'd managed to push my impending unemployment to the back of my mind but now that it's steadily approaching I'm hitting panic mode. I had a job interview today which I think I tanked (group interview - revealed my weakness for not suffering fools) and I have another one on Thursday but there is still a distinct possibility that I might have no income in less than two weeks.
What I do know I'll be doing in two weeks is attending orientation at Deakin University where I've been accepted to study a Bachelor of Arts. I've been saying I wanted to go back to study for months but now that it's really happening I'm filled with feelings of dread and inadequacy. What happens if I'm not smart enough? What if everyone there hates me? What if the poverty I'll have to endure while studying drives me back to the brink?
I'm getting stress headaches just thinking about all of this. There have even been times this week when I've been so preoccupied that I've forgotten to eat. Me! Forget to eat!
What I need to do is practice some acceptance and commitment therapy and recognise that the panicky thoughts are not helping me. Then I need to commit to taking actions and thinking thoughts that are helpful and in line with my goals and values. In practical terms this means staying organised so that I don't get overwhelmed by any of the upcoming events, taking care of myself so getting good rest, eating well and regularly and attending yoga and lastly, reaching out to those around me to let them know this is likely to be a rough time and I might need help.
So there you are, you're forewarned, rough seas ahead. But hopefully once I've gone through this transition time it will all be smooth sailing.
Friday, 14 February 2014
Busy
This is a very hurried post because it's Friday morning and I should be getting ready for work.
My life has felt quite hurried and full these last few weeks as I've tried to juggle deadlines, socialising, family commitments and care for myself.
So, what's been going on you ask?
Well, firstly I've been madly applying for jobs and university courses. Jobs because I need to leave my current job and university courses because I made a last minute decision that the best thing I could do to nourish my recovering brain is stimulate it with study. I've had to run around town tracking down copies of transcripts from all my previous educational institutions but finally everything has been found, copied, certified and submitted.
I've gone out a fair few times these past weeks but then this week I've also indulged in some theatrical immersion seeing three play readings and one full scale production. I've also this week bought tickets for some interstate productions of Macbeth so I've got at least two mini-holidays in the pipelines this year.
This week has also been a big week due to the very exciting arrival of my brand new baby niece. I was on hand to wrangle the two older children so I got to see the precious thing when she was only minutes old. Such a blessing and such a happy time for our family.
Finally I've been trying to spare a few moments here and there to make sure I'm caring for myself properly. This means going to yoga, resting, eating nourishing food and just trying to find some still moments to check in with myself to see how I'm really going. This has been particularly important since I've had to change my medication regime. I have developed a facial tic which can be an indication that the medication has caused a condition called tardive dyskinesia. This is characterised by pronounced, permanent tics or bodily movements. In the hopes that my tic will go away I'm being weaned off Saphris, the antipsychotic I have been taking. So it's just a matter of seeing how I go without it and then coming up with a strategy if everything is not ok. So far I'm feeling fine, in fact I'm feeling rather positive about the future at present.
And now I really must dash as work beckons and I must go. I'll update you soon on any advancements on the job/study front.
My life has felt quite hurried and full these last few weeks as I've tried to juggle deadlines, socialising, family commitments and care for myself.
So, what's been going on you ask?
Well, firstly I've been madly applying for jobs and university courses. Jobs because I need to leave my current job and university courses because I made a last minute decision that the best thing I could do to nourish my recovering brain is stimulate it with study. I've had to run around town tracking down copies of transcripts from all my previous educational institutions but finally everything has been found, copied, certified and submitted.
I've gone out a fair few times these past weeks but then this week I've also indulged in some theatrical immersion seeing three play readings and one full scale production. I've also this week bought tickets for some interstate productions of Macbeth so I've got at least two mini-holidays in the pipelines this year.
This week has also been a big week due to the very exciting arrival of my brand new baby niece. I was on hand to wrangle the two older children so I got to see the precious thing when she was only minutes old. Such a blessing and such a happy time for our family.
Finally I've been trying to spare a few moments here and there to make sure I'm caring for myself properly. This means going to yoga, resting, eating nourishing food and just trying to find some still moments to check in with myself to see how I'm really going. This has been particularly important since I've had to change my medication regime. I have developed a facial tic which can be an indication that the medication has caused a condition called tardive dyskinesia. This is characterised by pronounced, permanent tics or bodily movements. In the hopes that my tic will go away I'm being weaned off Saphris, the antipsychotic I have been taking. So it's just a matter of seeing how I go without it and then coming up with a strategy if everything is not ok. So far I'm feeling fine, in fact I'm feeling rather positive about the future at present.
And now I really must dash as work beckons and I must go. I'll update you soon on any advancements on the job/study front.
Wednesday, 15 January 2014
Giving Up
Sorry if the title of this post seems a bit grim. I'm actually feeling quite good to be honest, my head has come right again after a weekend of rest and light sedation. No, the giving up I'm referring to is the giving up of one of my vices.
I've read lots of articles about what's bad for you if you have bipolar disorder and topping that list almost always is caffeine. Problem is, I'm a bit of a caffeine addict. On any given day I'd have 2-3 coffees in the morning plus a Diet Coke in the afternoon and maybe a cup of tea thrown in there for good measure. Well I decided what with it being a new year and all that I'd try to take some better care of myself so I've given up caffeine. I weaned myself slowly down to one coffee per day then yesterday I only had a weak cup of tea and then today, nothing. I got a slight headache mid-morning and I did feel like my energy levels were fairly low but I survived, so I guess that's the important thing.
If this quitting caffeine business goes alright I might think about giving up some other things. Next on the list would of course be cigarettes. I fear that's going to be a tricky one. I've quit smoking in the past but always fallen back into the habit so I think there's some part of me that believes it's inevitable that I'll smoke. I also rely emotionally on my smoking. If I'm having a stressful day at work, I go outside for a cigarette. If I'm in a stressful social situation, I excuse myself to go have a cigarette. If I had a great incentive for giving up then I think I'd feel better equipped to give it a go. Sadly the great danger to my physical health doesn't register as a great enough incentive.
I toyed with the idea of giving up alcohol but I think it would be counter productive. Alcohol is also listed as something to avoid if you are of the bipolar way of mind. The trouble is that the vast majority of my social interactions take place around alcohol and while I've done it in the past, I've never much enjoyed being the sober one in a room full of people making merry. I also quite like the feeling of being a little bit drunk. Things are funnier, people are lovelier, the world seems like a more sympathetic place. Provided I don't get paralytic I usually don't suffer from it too terribly the next day. No, I think I should perhaps employ some more moderation when it comes to my drinking but I shouldn't do away with it altogether.
The other bandits on the list are fat, sugar and salt (so basically, the 3 things that give food flavour) but I think my diet, while not ideal, is pretty balanced these days. Having said that I just realised I ate some frozen yoghurt and a peach for dinner. Oh dear! Can I blame the heat? (For those of you outside of Melbourne we're currently in the midst of a heatwave - 2nd of 4 days of 40+ degree heat). Anyway, if I'm going to tackle my diet that will come later. Like much later. Like maybe when I'm in a nursing home.
But for now I'm feeling victorious for having banished caffeine from my day. And with all the money I'm saving on flat whites I intend to buy new workout gear to wear to my yoga classes. Win win.
I've read lots of articles about what's bad for you if you have bipolar disorder and topping that list almost always is caffeine. Problem is, I'm a bit of a caffeine addict. On any given day I'd have 2-3 coffees in the morning plus a Diet Coke in the afternoon and maybe a cup of tea thrown in there for good measure. Well I decided what with it being a new year and all that I'd try to take some better care of myself so I've given up caffeine. I weaned myself slowly down to one coffee per day then yesterday I only had a weak cup of tea and then today, nothing. I got a slight headache mid-morning and I did feel like my energy levels were fairly low but I survived, so I guess that's the important thing.
If this quitting caffeine business goes alright I might think about giving up some other things. Next on the list would of course be cigarettes. I fear that's going to be a tricky one. I've quit smoking in the past but always fallen back into the habit so I think there's some part of me that believes it's inevitable that I'll smoke. I also rely emotionally on my smoking. If I'm having a stressful day at work, I go outside for a cigarette. If I'm in a stressful social situation, I excuse myself to go have a cigarette. If I had a great incentive for giving up then I think I'd feel better equipped to give it a go. Sadly the great danger to my physical health doesn't register as a great enough incentive.
I toyed with the idea of giving up alcohol but I think it would be counter productive. Alcohol is also listed as something to avoid if you are of the bipolar way of mind. The trouble is that the vast majority of my social interactions take place around alcohol and while I've done it in the past, I've never much enjoyed being the sober one in a room full of people making merry. I also quite like the feeling of being a little bit drunk. Things are funnier, people are lovelier, the world seems like a more sympathetic place. Provided I don't get paralytic I usually don't suffer from it too terribly the next day. No, I think I should perhaps employ some more moderation when it comes to my drinking but I shouldn't do away with it altogether.
The other bandits on the list are fat, sugar and salt (so basically, the 3 things that give food flavour) but I think my diet, while not ideal, is pretty balanced these days. Having said that I just realised I ate some frozen yoghurt and a peach for dinner. Oh dear! Can I blame the heat? (For those of you outside of Melbourne we're currently in the midst of a heatwave - 2nd of 4 days of 40+ degree heat). Anyway, if I'm going to tackle my diet that will come later. Like much later. Like maybe when I'm in a nursing home.
But for now I'm feeling victorious for having banished caffeine from my day. And with all the money I'm saving on flat whites I intend to buy new workout gear to wear to my yoga classes. Win win.
Friday, 10 January 2014
Insomniac posting
Insomniac posting. Cannot decide yet if it's a matter of can't sleep or won't sleep. I'll pay for this tomorrow but that sounds like future Katie's problem.
So, welcome to 2014! How's it treating you so far?
I did so hope that the new year would bring with it, like a bolt from the blue, an end to all my woes and worries. Alas, not to be. This current hiccup I'm experiencing feels a little different. My thoughts are racing, I'm irritable as all get up and I can't sleep. Sounds like hypomania, right? But where's my fucking high man?! No this is some mixed states bullshit and worst of all is I'm so fucking aware of it happening that my thoughts about it and how wretched it is are just amplified.
(Sorry, just realised I've been cussing like a sailor. I'll clean it up for the next bit.)
Ok, apart from this, things have actually been going pretty well. I've been socialising and enjoying time alone and work has been improving plus there are new job prospects on the horizon. I've read a few good books already this year and signed up to take yoga classes at my local gym. So some things are looking positive. Now to just get the whole racing-head-not-sleeping thing under control. I suppose step 1 would be turn off the computer.
Ok.
Goodnight.
So, welcome to 2014! How's it treating you so far?
I did so hope that the new year would bring with it, like a bolt from the blue, an end to all my woes and worries. Alas, not to be. This current hiccup I'm experiencing feels a little different. My thoughts are racing, I'm irritable as all get up and I can't sleep. Sounds like hypomania, right? But where's my fucking high man?! No this is some mixed states bullshit and worst of all is I'm so fucking aware of it happening that my thoughts about it and how wretched it is are just amplified.
(Sorry, just realised I've been cussing like a sailor. I'll clean it up for the next bit.)
Ok, apart from this, things have actually been going pretty well. I've been socialising and enjoying time alone and work has been improving plus there are new job prospects on the horizon. I've read a few good books already this year and signed up to take yoga classes at my local gym. So some things are looking positive. Now to just get the whole racing-head-not-sleeping thing under control. I suppose step 1 would be turn off the computer.
Ok.
Goodnight.
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