Well sometimes it gets to that time.
Right? Sometimes you just have to move on.
The anniversary of my disappearance passed with little fanfare and part of me was like 'what? World, how can you move on without paying notice' and then another part of me chimed in to point out that if the world is no longer preoccupied with how sick I am or have been then this is a good thing.
The other moving on I'll be doing is out of my current house. I've secured a 4 month sublet in an absolutely stunning house in North Fitzroy which will give me enough time to enjoy the summer before I move in with my brother and his son early next year.
In all I'm feeling very positive about life right now. I even had a moment when I questioned whether I'd tipped into hypermania because I didn't want to go to my psychiatrist's appointment but wanted to go out drinking instead. I think it was just a case of bundled up happy feelings getting confused in with the usual feelings I have of not wanting to be sick and therefore having to attend appointments.
But the positive feelings continue and I appreciate them while they exist. I'm even feeling so good that I can contemplate hosting a BBQ for my upcoming 32nd birthday. I know it's not a significant birthday but I'd like to celebrate it as it marks the passing of what can unequivocally be deemed the worst year of my life to date.
So I have a function to plan and bags to pack so please forgive me if I go a bit silent for a while. There are only good things in the pipeworks as far as I can see.
Saturday, 16 November 2013
Wednesday, 6 November 2013
Milestones
Cropping up in my life are a number of milestones which if I'm not celebrating I'm at least pondering over the most appropriate way to mark their passing. This week saw the 10,000 page view of my blog, this is also the week of the one year anniversary of my disappearance and fast approaching is my 32nd birthday.
I'm humbled and slightly bewildered to think there have been so many hits on this here blog. Of course I fastly believe that some of them are strange misdirects from porn sites, but I do also know I have a core of readers who I'm ever so glad keep tuning in.
I never would have started this blog if I hadn't gotten so sick and had such a public misfortune to which I felt I needed a public right of reply. As much as I like this blog, and I do, a lot, in the world of checks and balances having this blog doesn't even out against having gotten so terribly sick.
The one year anniversary of my very public demise. There's hardly an etiquette book on how to mark such an event. There is some eerie part of me that half expects I'll again go off the rails at this exact same time of year. Undoubtedly I'll just turn up to work same as usual and the day will pass as normal while my internal voice will be screaming 'Don't you know what happened to me just one year ago! How can you go on with your day?!' I've entertained the idea of taking myself out for dinner to celebrate having survived this last year because lord knows it's been an uphill battle most of the time.
I feel a bit the same about my birthday. 32 should really be one I celebrate since 31 has been such a bust and I genuinely felt at times I really wouldn't make it. I think I might have a quiet picnic or BBQ in a park since the weather will be getting warmer. I can invite just a select few friends and be surrounded by people who also understand how miraculous it is that I made it,
\With milestones comes reflection. I think when I look back on these last 12 months more than anything I reflect on how lonely they've been. Illness is hard. You experience it on your own regardless of how many people you have surrounding you. I think for the next 12 months I'm going to really focus on rebuilding my connections with other people and hopefully that loneliness will start to seep away. Despite ominous feelings of the past repeating itself I am feeling quite good and quite strong at the moment. I'm hoping this is the feeling I will take with me into the next 12 months and it will hopefully blossom into that state we call wellness. In the meantime I'm still taking things day by day and just marking the days worth mention.
I'm humbled and slightly bewildered to think there have been so many hits on this here blog. Of course I fastly believe that some of them are strange misdirects from porn sites, but I do also know I have a core of readers who I'm ever so glad keep tuning in.
I never would have started this blog if I hadn't gotten so sick and had such a public misfortune to which I felt I needed a public right of reply. As much as I like this blog, and I do, a lot, in the world of checks and balances having this blog doesn't even out against having gotten so terribly sick.
The one year anniversary of my very public demise. There's hardly an etiquette book on how to mark such an event. There is some eerie part of me that half expects I'll again go off the rails at this exact same time of year. Undoubtedly I'll just turn up to work same as usual and the day will pass as normal while my internal voice will be screaming 'Don't you know what happened to me just one year ago! How can you go on with your day?!' I've entertained the idea of taking myself out for dinner to celebrate having survived this last year because lord knows it's been an uphill battle most of the time.
I feel a bit the same about my birthday. 32 should really be one I celebrate since 31 has been such a bust and I genuinely felt at times I really wouldn't make it. I think I might have a quiet picnic or BBQ in a park since the weather will be getting warmer. I can invite just a select few friends and be surrounded by people who also understand how miraculous it is that I made it,
\With milestones comes reflection. I think when I look back on these last 12 months more than anything I reflect on how lonely they've been. Illness is hard. You experience it on your own regardless of how many people you have surrounding you. I think for the next 12 months I'm going to really focus on rebuilding my connections with other people and hopefully that loneliness will start to seep away. Despite ominous feelings of the past repeating itself I am feeling quite good and quite strong at the moment. I'm hoping this is the feeling I will take with me into the next 12 months and it will hopefully blossom into that state we call wellness. In the meantime I'm still taking things day by day and just marking the days worth mention.
Thursday, 24 October 2013
Hesitations
First she doesn't blog for a month then she blogs twice in two days! What's with this chick?!
I'm having hesitations about moving out of my share house. While there are definitely negative features to living here, namely the anti-socialness of my housemates which has led to a feeling of isolation, there are also some advantages to living here. The location is ideal for me. An easy tram ride to work and a shared taxi ride home with so many of my compatriot drinking buddies. Plus I'm super close to Cinema Nova so if I'm ever in a film going mood it's a short journey. There is also the fact that I'm living independently and as a soon to be 32 year old this seems like the state in which I should be living.
The advantages of moving back in with my parents would be that I'd save a tonne of money, I'd have people to talk to when I'm at home, I wouldn't have to cook for myself and I'd get to watch whatever I want on the telly since my parents have 2 TVs.
I just don't know. I'm so conflicted. Decision making is hard. I feel like I've made enough questionable decisions in recent memory that trying to trust my own judgment is a really hard task. I think perhaps I shouldn't rush this decision and by that I mean I should perhaps let one more rent cycle pass by. It's only another $850 (ok, actually, that's a lot of money) and it means I don't have to go through the hassle of moving just yet (is that worth $850?).
Like I said, I just don't know. Life's hard. Don't you feel that sometimes?
I'm having hesitations about moving out of my share house. While there are definitely negative features to living here, namely the anti-socialness of my housemates which has led to a feeling of isolation, there are also some advantages to living here. The location is ideal for me. An easy tram ride to work and a shared taxi ride home with so many of my compatriot drinking buddies. Plus I'm super close to Cinema Nova so if I'm ever in a film going mood it's a short journey. There is also the fact that I'm living independently and as a soon to be 32 year old this seems like the state in which I should be living.
The advantages of moving back in with my parents would be that I'd save a tonne of money, I'd have people to talk to when I'm at home, I wouldn't have to cook for myself and I'd get to watch whatever I want on the telly since my parents have 2 TVs.
I just don't know. I'm so conflicted. Decision making is hard. I feel like I've made enough questionable decisions in recent memory that trying to trust my own judgment is a really hard task. I think perhaps I shouldn't rush this decision and by that I mean I should perhaps let one more rent cycle pass by. It's only another $850 (ok, actually, that's a lot of money) and it means I don't have to go through the hassle of moving just yet (is that worth $850?).
Like I said, I just don't know. Life's hard. Don't you feel that sometimes?
Wednesday, 23 October 2013
Ups and downs
Well the ups is my Effexor has been upped after a stressful shaky week. It has had the desired effect and I've been once again lifted from that dangerous precipice.
The downs is I got dangerously close to that dangerous precipice again.
A couple of factors were surely at play. Work stresses (ho-hum), a wedding (long story - it was a lovely affair but my issues surrounding how I look all came bubbling to a head and I was also fearful I was going to have a confrontation with another of the guests) and the last thing, my living arrangements.
I feel in some ways I've been unfair to my current household. I was hesitant about moving in here and rather than letting go I've let those hesitations fester into a deep seated dissatisfaction with everything about the place and it's inhabitants. I've been escaping to my parents house on a weekly basis which has further fuelled my anxieties about my actual home as my absence makes me feel disconnected and like I must appear odd to my housemates.
I've had many long thinks, a couple of good cries and one particularly insightful session with my psychiatrist in which I came to the conclusion that I shouldn't be paying good money to live so unhappily.
So where to next? Well steel yourselves folks, it looks like I'm about to take the ultimate plunge into Loserville and move back in with my parents. And just in time for summer too!
Honestly though, it shouldn't be that bad. I get along well with Mum and Dad and the money I save on rent can all be funnelled towards travel plans I have for next year (The States. Again.) I've got a very good potential living arrangement due to come to fruition in about February next year so it should only be a fairly temporary arrangement. And if I'm finding it too much to bear I can always go through the gruelling process of finding another share house, hopefully one where I can feel more at ease.
So, that wraps up another exciting instalment of my life. Send me good wishes for the next one.
The downs is I got dangerously close to that dangerous precipice again.
A couple of factors were surely at play. Work stresses (ho-hum), a wedding (long story - it was a lovely affair but my issues surrounding how I look all came bubbling to a head and I was also fearful I was going to have a confrontation with another of the guests) and the last thing, my living arrangements.
I feel in some ways I've been unfair to my current household. I was hesitant about moving in here and rather than letting go I've let those hesitations fester into a deep seated dissatisfaction with everything about the place and it's inhabitants. I've been escaping to my parents house on a weekly basis which has further fuelled my anxieties about my actual home as my absence makes me feel disconnected and like I must appear odd to my housemates.
I've had many long thinks, a couple of good cries and one particularly insightful session with my psychiatrist in which I came to the conclusion that I shouldn't be paying good money to live so unhappily.
So where to next? Well steel yourselves folks, it looks like I'm about to take the ultimate plunge into Loserville and move back in with my parents. And just in time for summer too!
Honestly though, it shouldn't be that bad. I get along well with Mum and Dad and the money I save on rent can all be funnelled towards travel plans I have for next year (The States. Again.) I've got a very good potential living arrangement due to come to fruition in about February next year so it should only be a fairly temporary arrangement. And if I'm finding it too much to bear I can always go through the gruelling process of finding another share house, hopefully one where I can feel more at ease.
So, that wraps up another exciting instalment of my life. Send me good wishes for the next one.
Friday, 20 September 2013
Worst. Blogger. Ever.
I'm totally shit. There's no real excuse. Yes, I have been incredibly busy but neglecting my blog like this is still inexcusable. I totally understand if you've all stopped reading.
A lot has happened. So much that I'm going to explain it all in dot points to get through it all.
A lot has happened. So much that I'm going to explain it all in dot points to get through it all.
- I was staying with my parents because I wasn't coping too well with life
- I was asked to move in to a share house in Princes Hill
- I ummed and aahed about whether I was emotionally prepared for such a change
- I decided I was and moved
- Work got incredibly busy and stressful
- My mood went up, down, backwards and sideways
- I'm tired all the time but feeling fairly stable now
- I'm still surrounded by a sea of unpacked boxes
- I was so tired when I get home last night that I got into bed and ordered a pizza
- I ate an entire pizza in bed last night
There, now that wasn't too hard to do now, was it?
I'm about to go and house sit for my sister for a week so the fun isn't stopping yet. I'm hopeful that my body will soon start adjusting to the pace of work and I'll have more energy to blog in the coming weeks.
Once again, I am sorry for the inconsistent blogging. I'll try to do better for next time.
Thursday, 15 August 2013
Gimme shelter
Storm clouds gather, the horizon blackens, in the distance thunder rolls and here I stand without any shelter.
Shelter has been my predominant thought these past few weeks. My days have been spent house hunting, responding to house ads and attending housemate interviews. As each day has offered forth its share of frustrations and rejection my mood has blackened. I cracked in therapy this afternoon and a wave of pent up emotions came flooding out. I've been internalising the rejection, both experienced and imagined, and it has been making me despise myself. The vicious cycle, for these things are always cyclical and ferocious, is that the darker I feel about myself the more hopeless I see my prospects and this shows through in my searching and interviewing. I rule myself out of houses where the advertisers sound too perky and I show up to interviews defeated and depressed.
I'm taking a break from it all and seeking refuge at my parents house. They don't have the Internet so I won't even be tempted to continue my search.
I'm also hoping that this break will serve as some sort of breaker to my circuit. If things worsen I face the prospect of hospital again and that's an unwelcome thought.
I so desperately want this part of my life; the search for housing, the uncertain hours at work and the fluctuating moods, to be over that sometimes I wish the whole game over. I know these are bad thoughts to have and I chastise myself severely for thinking them. I pay for them too. With dark thoughts comes time out of work which funnels into my financial woes. Another cycle. It's all cyclical.
And so too is this illness apparently, though we've seen little sign of it lately. I'm back on the lookout for signs of mania though as in response to my mood shift my psychiatrist has increased my Effexor. Is it terrible that I'm craving a little hypomania right now? Just a little. Just a taste of what up feels like, maybe enough to see me coast through some house interviews as a bubbly person with a sunny outlook, just a little shot of boundless energy and then I promise I'd come straight back down.
Oh dear. Some days I'm glad my psychiatrist doesn't read my blog.
Shelter has been my predominant thought these past few weeks. My days have been spent house hunting, responding to house ads and attending housemate interviews. As each day has offered forth its share of frustrations and rejection my mood has blackened. I cracked in therapy this afternoon and a wave of pent up emotions came flooding out. I've been internalising the rejection, both experienced and imagined, and it has been making me despise myself. The vicious cycle, for these things are always cyclical and ferocious, is that the darker I feel about myself the more hopeless I see my prospects and this shows through in my searching and interviewing. I rule myself out of houses where the advertisers sound too perky and I show up to interviews defeated and depressed.
I'm taking a break from it all and seeking refuge at my parents house. They don't have the Internet so I won't even be tempted to continue my search.
I'm also hoping that this break will serve as some sort of breaker to my circuit. If things worsen I face the prospect of hospital again and that's an unwelcome thought.
I so desperately want this part of my life; the search for housing, the uncertain hours at work and the fluctuating moods, to be over that sometimes I wish the whole game over. I know these are bad thoughts to have and I chastise myself severely for thinking them. I pay for them too. With dark thoughts comes time out of work which funnels into my financial woes. Another cycle. It's all cyclical.
And so too is this illness apparently, though we've seen little sign of it lately. I'm back on the lookout for signs of mania though as in response to my mood shift my psychiatrist has increased my Effexor. Is it terrible that I'm craving a little hypomania right now? Just a little. Just a taste of what up feels like, maybe enough to see me coast through some house interviews as a bubbly person with a sunny outlook, just a little shot of boundless energy and then I promise I'd come straight back down.
Oh dear. Some days I'm glad my psychiatrist doesn't read my blog.
Wednesday, 31 July 2013
My shitty week
I'm having kind of a shitty week. Let's see, where to start? How about my shoulder? Yeah, my shoulder is in pain for some unknown reason, possibly the result of too much filing which I've been doing at my job, which is another thing that has been kind of shitty. Usually I like my job a lot but this week has just been a whole load of meh with some blah piled on top. I'm working reduced hours, some days only 3 hours, and when the work itself is shitty then getting the energy up to go in for those 3 hours is pretty challenging.
Since I started with a body part perhaps I'll continue and tell you about my jaw, which is also in pain. I was so proud and boastful running around being like, 'look at me, I'm side effect free' and then I've gone and developed a side effect. It's not specifically just my jaw, but all my muscles are tensing up as a side effect to the Saphris. It's most noticeable in my jaw though because it's currently permanently clenched and so it aches and my teeth ache and chewing my food has become an ordeal. Now if only this would noticeably put me off my food I might lose some weight and start feeling better about my body, which is another thing that has made me feel shitty this week. No big changes here, still just lugging around all the lithium weight and feeling like a blimp.
I wonder if I'd lose the weight if I went off my medication? I've been wondering about being off my medication ever since my psychologist asked me what I thought I'd be like off my medication. I've been having a few issues with this psychologist and I don't think this has been helped by such portent questions as this. I think I'm going to stop seeing this psychologist but then I have to go through the hassle of finding a new one or try going it alone for a while, I don't know, it's all just a weight on my mind right now. What I do know is that I don't need to wonder what I'd be like off medication right now because the agreed upon course of action decided upon by myself in consultation with some very well trained health professionals is that I'm going to take my damned medication.
And that is medication that from tomorrow is going to start costing me a pretty penny more as Centrelink have decided since I'm working all of about 15 hours a week now I no longer qualify for Sickness Allowance and they've cut off my health care card. And what really irks me is that I'm really not earning very much money. Certainly not enough to have saved anywhere near enough money to move out on my own despite leading an austere existence at present. And what I'd really like more than anything right now is to have a place of my own. I miss having that haven and I am losing hope that it will ever be mine once again.
So that's a brief summation of the things going on in my shitty life this shitty week. However, I'm not feeling depressed, despite there being numerous things I could feel depressed about. I'm not suicidal, not even a jot, so even if my life is shitty at present I still fully intend to keep living it. And finally, this week will pass. It may be replaced with one much worse but it may be replaced with one much better. (Please be one much better.)
Since I started with a body part perhaps I'll continue and tell you about my jaw, which is also in pain. I was so proud and boastful running around being like, 'look at me, I'm side effect free' and then I've gone and developed a side effect. It's not specifically just my jaw, but all my muscles are tensing up as a side effect to the Saphris. It's most noticeable in my jaw though because it's currently permanently clenched and so it aches and my teeth ache and chewing my food has become an ordeal. Now if only this would noticeably put me off my food I might lose some weight and start feeling better about my body, which is another thing that has made me feel shitty this week. No big changes here, still just lugging around all the lithium weight and feeling like a blimp.
I wonder if I'd lose the weight if I went off my medication? I've been wondering about being off my medication ever since my psychologist asked me what I thought I'd be like off my medication. I've been having a few issues with this psychologist and I don't think this has been helped by such portent questions as this. I think I'm going to stop seeing this psychologist but then I have to go through the hassle of finding a new one or try going it alone for a while, I don't know, it's all just a weight on my mind right now. What I do know is that I don't need to wonder what I'd be like off medication right now because the agreed upon course of action decided upon by myself in consultation with some very well trained health professionals is that I'm going to take my damned medication.
And that is medication that from tomorrow is going to start costing me a pretty penny more as Centrelink have decided since I'm working all of about 15 hours a week now I no longer qualify for Sickness Allowance and they've cut off my health care card. And what really irks me is that I'm really not earning very much money. Certainly not enough to have saved anywhere near enough money to move out on my own despite leading an austere existence at present. And what I'd really like more than anything right now is to have a place of my own. I miss having that haven and I am losing hope that it will ever be mine once again.
So that's a brief summation of the things going on in my shitty life this shitty week. However, I'm not feeling depressed, despite there being numerous things I could feel depressed about. I'm not suicidal, not even a jot, so even if my life is shitty at present I still fully intend to keep living it. And finally, this week will pass. It may be replaced with one much worse but it may be replaced with one much better. (Please be one much better.)
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