Today was spent on the couch, digesting all of yesterday's overindulgences and watching DVDs that Santa had been kind enough to deliver (Annie followed by The Dark Knight Rises - you'd think they wouldn't work as a double feature but somehow they did).
At the end of this pyjama day I have lain out an outfit and now I'm packing my handbag and wondering what I'm forgetting in preparation for work tomorrow.
I suppose some anxiety about returning to work is normal for anyone who has been away from work for a significant period of time. But acknowledging that some general anxiety is normal isn't making my specific anxiety go away.
I have small fears; that I'll sleep through my alarm, that I'll forget to take my medication in the morning, that my Myki balance will have mysteriously been depleted and I'll be denied access onto the bus. I need to now practice a bit of the acceptance and commitment therapy we covered in hospital and accept that I'm feeling this anxiety and allow it to be and to pass. And if I do sleep in or have public transport frustrations there is always CBT and I can recognise that if in fact I'm late or even, god forbid, absent from work tomorrow then it will not be the end of the world, no matter what the Mayans say.
But I do so hope I make that bus.
I'm eager to take some forward steps and so scared I might fail again.
I think that because I associate failure with relapse it is made so much worse. I need to keep it in mind that even if I do not succeed at some everyday tasks that it doesn't mean I'm doomed to end up in hospital again. I've had a long period of respite and while I still feel weak I may be stronger than I give myself credit for.
But this is enough of blogging. I have work in the morning. Wish me luck.
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