Home Alone

It has just been me and the puppies home the last few days. And I don't mind that at all.
While I wouldn't call myself a misanthrope, I do certainly love a bit of alone time.

I like to think that with my alone time I'll clean and tidy everything without interruption and read books in single sittings and write interesting and integral beginnings to plays or essays. In reality I read bits of books before putting them down to wander off to snack or check Facebook, I create huge piles of dishes for myself by cooking overly elaborate meals for one and I waste hours prostrate on the couch with the remote in one hand and most of the time no idea what it is I'm watching on television.

I sometimes think that loving my alone time too much leads to poor mental health. For instance, it has just gone past midday as I type this, I'm still in my pyjamas, in bed and I don't have plans to move very far from where I am right now for the rest of the day. So if I happen to reflect at the end of the day on what it is I've achieved or what purpose there is in my life, the answer is a little depressing.

But I love these days while I live them. I exert so much energy the rest of the time trying to be intelligent and personable and interacting with others. Even when I'm well I routinely feel exhausted by just being in the company of others. Perhaps I need to reframe the way I view these days and not think of them in the context of how little I have achieved but instead think of how much energy I have conserved.

I've become acutely aware that I need to pace myself at present and I think that is something I'll need to be mindful of for the whole year since I'll be juggling study and work throughout the year. In the past I thought nothing of organising two things to do after work on a Friday night where as now one thing is taxing enough. I need to make sure I don't get busy so that I have enough energy for the important task of recovering and staying well.
But we live in a culture of busyness. It's seen as a symbol of your importance to be rushed off your feet, it's validating to have your time so demanded and sought after. Taking it easy can feel like laziness and mental decay.

I have to push past this idea and become comfortable with the concept of days of self nurture and care. I will embrace my pyjama clad self and wrap myself in a blanket of contentment as I eat whole punnets of cherry tomatoes while watching a Sex in the City marathon. I will tell myself it's ok to feel tired and respond to that by resting. I will be kind to myself because that sets a good example for how others should treat me.

So, so long blog (which is practically work- pfft! What was I thinking!), the couch needs me.

P.S. Apologies if this is rambling and nonsensical - I'm taking it easy today so didn't even edit!