Things I am allowed

Today 3 things happened; I had a moment of supreme, radiant happiness, I had a rush of euphoria and I did something quite impulsive.

In bipolar terms these things should ring alarm bells. They're like chest pain radiating down the left arm for someone who has heart disease. They would definitely be looked upon as signs that I'm heading towards hypomania or mania. But I'm going to allow them.

The first thing happened as I was on my way from work to my appointment with my psychiatrist. I had caught the tram to the corner of Bourke and Swanston St. On the corner some members of the Socialist Alternative party were set up advocating for Aboriginal rights. My ex-boyfriend is a socialist. Indeed I recognised one of his housemates amongst the bunch but instead of feeling the usual turmoil of emotions I have felt when reminded of my ex-boyfriend, I just felt kind of, well, fine.

I walked to the tram stop on Bourke St and sat waiting for my tram. A young girl and her friend were sitting on the seat behind me and the young girl said to her friend, "I can tell my heart's broken, I can feel it, right in here." And suddenly it struck me that my heart is not broken. I'm actually happier now than I was then and I had a moment of supreme, radiant happiness. The sun was shining on me, I was happy that the socialists were out there fighting for rights, I was happy that my ex-boyfriend was out there somewhere living his life, I was even happy that this broken-hearted girl had a friend she could talk to.

The rush of euphoria came later when I was at the gym. It may have come across that I find the gym quite a slog. And I do mostly. I start working out and my brain decides very quickly that it's bored and then I have to cajole it with thoughts like 'it's good for you, brain' and 'afterwards, we can get icecream!'. This evening wasn't much different until a moment when I was on the exercise bike, keeping a steady pace and the Girl Talk song 'Oh No' came on to my iPod. I shouldn't like this song since, as a feminist, I dislike the word bitch being used in a derogatory fashion, and the lyrics 'move bitch, get out the way' are repeated about a billion timws, but I really started pedalling and feeling driven by the song. After cycling hard for a few minutes I had a rush of euphoria. Hello endorphins! I also became aware that my body is so much stronger than I give it credit for. If only my brain would stop telling it it hates exercise.

When I got home from the gym, glowing with virtue and also dripping with it too, I went to take a shower and saw some purple hairdye in the bathroom. My last trip to the hairdressers resulted in me receiving a colour job called balayage. Basically my hair is darker at the roots and gradually gets lighter towards the ends. Some people have told me they like it on me but personally, I just don't feel I'm the sort of person to have pretty hair. It makes me feel like I should do other things to my hair like blow dry it or style it or brush it or wash it. And that's not really my thing.
So, anyway, I suppose you can guess what my impulsive decision was. I dyed the ends of my hair purple and I kind of made a hash of it, but now at least my hair looks like it matches me more. And if I decide I don't like it in a few days or weeks I can always dye it again or chop it off.

So yeah, these things happened today but I think I'm just going to clock them up to having a good day. May it be the first of many!