Pro re nata

I've had some shaky days. Literally and figuratively.

The monsters that creep and prowl around my head have been fed and are hungry for more. They gobble every setback, doubt, frustration or hostile encounter and grow stronger. My reserves are depleted and when I look through my arsenal there are few things that actually assist. 

I have smoked more cigarettes, eaten more chocolate and wasted more time on the Internet. These things pass moments but don't help overall. I've spoken to my family a lot these past few days and that has helped somewhat. And then there's the thing that really works but I'm loathe to use, Seroquel.

Seroquel is my PRN (pro re nata - Latin for "as the circumstance arises") to take when I am anxious. It leaves me in a zombie-like state but it also takes the edge of my anxiety like nothing else. It completely calms my shakes and makes every thought innocuous. When I take my PRN Seroquel the only thing I'm good at is sitting in one spot and staring into space.

It also leaves me with a Seroquel hangover by which I mean the following day I'm dopey and tired. At least 12 people told me how tired I looked today and I'm not looking forward to in the future discovering careless mistakes I've made today in my semi-stoned state.

I wish I had more resilience so that I didn't need to take medication. I wish there was something I could take that would ease my anxiety without completely stripping my personality. I wish I could live in a zen bubble devoid of all negativity. But what's the saying? If wishes were fishes the sea would be full.