If I could snap out of it

If I could snap out of it I would.

I don't want this sinking feeling, these horrifying thoughts, this screen between me and the ones I love, this colander brain that only holds the bad thoughts and lets all of the salient details of life fall through. I don't want to dive down this dark rabbit hole again and like Alice before me find myself in a strange and hostile place where my body behaves in an abnormal manner beyond my control. I fear the fear that is coming. I loathe the version of me that loathes myself.

My psychiatrist has referred me to be readmitted to hospital. I don't have to go but I'm being given this option. I don't know what to do. I want someone else at the reigns. I feel like I make such a hash of my life that I shouldn't be left to control it.

I want this bit over. I want it done. If I could snap out of it I would.