Ill at ease

I had a few bad days and then things righted themselves and I got back to being me and went off and did fun things like watch new episodes of Arrested Development and book flights to Sydney to see Angels in America. But I was still worried about those bad days I'd had. So in consultation with my psychiatrist I decided to up my dose of Abilify from the piddly 10mg I was on to 15mg.

A few days later and without consultation with my psychiatrist and I have dropped it back down to 10 and if I didn't think it was a completely reckless thing to do I would stop taking it altogether.

For the few days I was on the 15mg I have never felt so ill at ease. I couldn't get comfortable. Even in my favourite track pants. Even in bed. I just felt physically uncomfortable and emotionally unsettled. It doesn't sound like much but after 3 days I was so exhausted I wanted to cry. I was desperate to know if what I was experiencing was common or likely to pass and so I did what any sensible person with the internet does and I googled side effects of Abilify.

Holy fuck! The horror stories out there about Abilify are intense. One of them claims that Abilify actually shrinks your brain! I don't know whether these posts are written by people who have now forgone all medication and swear by goji berries to keep their mental health intact or if they are people like me, desperately trying to find a medication regime that works.

All I know is that Abilify is my only anti-depressant and the plan had been that if I became depressed again we'd up my dosage as the first line of defense. Now that I know I wouldn't be able to tolerate that I'm without a lifeboat. This makes me think that I might need to try switching to a different anti-depressant, one that I'll tolerate better, not just at super low doses.

Knowing this has left me feeling, along with the residual pharmacological effects, ill at ease. I hate trialing new medication as there are never any fun side effects to withstand as you let your body adjust. I don't want to go through that wobbly stage again where nothing feels right and I can't work or see my friends. I just want things to be settled. Of course I could stay on the 10mg of Abilify and hope I'm never graced by bad times again but that just seems irresponsible.

So watch this space for news of new medication. I'm really hoping that on a pharmacy shelf somewhere out there is the right drug for me.