Rounding out 2013

2013 has been a shitty year. No doubt about it. And to round out this shitty year I'm feeling pretty much like shit. I'm exhausted and anxious and tearful and not at all looking forward to the future which is what everyone's supposed to be doing at this time of year, right?

I tried to be positive and think of a bright future, I even went so far as to consider what I might make as my new year's resolution. All that led to was an hour long reflection on all my vices and shortcomings and how insurmountable it would be to ever overcome them.

I tried to be kind to myself. I woke up feeling rubbish yesterday so decided to treat myself to a movie. When I got into the city there was an hour until the movie began so I thought, I know, I'll go and get these tired shoulders of mine a massage. Well I did, only it was the worst massage of my life. Painful and abrasive, not at all relaxing and I think the masseuse has actually done some serious damage to my neck as I can only turn my head about forty-five degrees now. I should have said something at the time. I should have, but I didn't because I'm terrible at speaking up, even when it comes to my own body.

Tonight I'm packing. Well, packing and eating pizza and blogging. I'm packing for my New Year's Eve in Tallarook. I'm going to a festival with a whole bunch of friends but I'm not really feeling the festive vibe right now. I'm sure it'll be fine, it might even be better than fine, but right now I'm stressing about what to pack and if I'll be warm enough. And I guess I'm just wishing that I wasn't kicking off 2014 feeling like this.

See despite everything that has gone on, I still have hope for the future. Just a sliver, just a glimmer. It's the only reason I'm alive today. I do deep down believe that my life will some day be ok. And I mean just ok, not brilliant, not mind-blowingly awesome, just decent. I'll have some stability and a vague sense of purpose. That's all I'm hoping for. I just don't know when that's going to come. I want it to be 2014 but the way I'm feeling now suggests I still have many struggles ahead of me.

But who knows, 2014 might be great. Hell, the rest of 2013 might be unexpectedly fantastic. Either way, I'll keep you posted.