If I could snap out of it

If I could snap out of it I would.

I don't want this sinking feeling, these horrifying thoughts, this screen between me and the ones I love, this colander brain that only holds the bad thoughts and lets all of the salient details of life fall through. I don't want to dive down this dark rabbit hole again and like Alice before me find myself in a strange and hostile place where my body behaves in an abnormal manner beyond my control. I fear the fear that is coming. I loathe the version of me that loathes myself.

My psychiatrist has referred me to be readmitted to hospital. I don't have to go but I'm being given this option. I don't know what to do. I want someone else at the reigns. I feel like I make such a hash of my life that I shouldn't be left to control it.

I want this bit over. I want it done. If I could snap out of it I would.

And once again...

Discharge day.
I feel a lot more prepared for that big, scary outside world than I did last time I got out of hospital.
I went through a few more weeks of hellish moods and zero energy, I had my medication upped and tinkered with and then I finally turned a corner.
I swear it's the lithium. It's my wonder drug. A blood test revealed that my lithium levels were low so my daily dose was increased and almost instantly I perked up.
For good measure I'm also taking lamotrigine, lexapro, cymbalta, seroquel and zyprexa. Phew! If you shake me I rattle like a pill bottle. True story.
I'm going to keep up the blogging to chart my mood and force myself to write cohesively (hopefully) once a day. I might also transcribe some of my scribblings from my hospital stay. But for now I unpack and look optimistically towards the next few days.

Worse

Today I would have seemed to any outsider like things were perfectly normal. I had what might even be described as an active start to the day.

My aunt has purchased a gym membership for me for my birthday (not in any hostile, suggestive way like my ex-boyfriend's mother who got me a self-help book for Christmas) and I went to the gym this morning and did a gentle 45 minute workout.

I then went to work where I tackled a busy inbox full of emails and started on the rest of the days tasks.

But I knew something wasn't right. It's the sort of something that I usually ignore but after what has happened to me recently I feel like I can't ignore any signs now.

It was like a veil had come down over me and I felt disconnected from everything around me. If I had to speak to people it required a temporary breach of the shroud between us and I would sense myself being personable and funny but it was coming from a place very remote from where I really felt myself to be. Where i felt myself to be was in a swamp of deep sadness. Simple movement feels strained, like walking through water, and my throat feels constricted, the way it does before crying.

I rang my psychiatrist and told him something wasn't right. I told my boss I needed to take more time off. I called my sister and told her I needed to go back to hospital. It has all transpired that I'm now waiting for a phone call from The Melbourne Clinic to let me know there is a bed for me.

So this is a down, but perhaps experiencing it rather than ignoring it will help me in the long run. Doubt I'll be blogging in hospital so please excuse this absence. Hopefully the next post comes from a much better place.