Unexpected

My weekend without the internet was a partial success. I had to go on Pinterest to get the recipe for chocolate zucchini brownies (don't knock them till you've tried them) to give to my sister but apart from that it was a relaxing weekend devoid of antagonism from the internet.

Last night I finished watching an episode of Doctor Who (I've become a Whovian of late) at around 10.15 after which I took my medication, brushed my teeth and went to bed. It usually takes me a little while to fall asleep but last night wasn't a particularly restless night, I fell asleep within what I would consider a normal amount of time.

This morning however I was woken by my aunt asking me if I had to go to work this morning. It was 8am and I had slept through my 7am and 7.15 alarms without even stirring. I tried to get up but it was like I was bound to the bed. I fell asleep again and woke up at 8.30 which was when I decided to call work and tell them I wouldn't be in today. Then I fell asleep and woke up just after 11. By my estimation I've just had 12 hours of sleep.

There is no obvious reason why I needed 12 hours of sleep last night. I had a very quiet weekend with no late nights, I'd gotten to sleep at a reasonable time last night and I haven't had any recent changes to my medication. My body just occasionally does things which are unexpected.

These curve balls are challenging because they disrupt my daily life and remind me that I'm still a sick person. I feel like there's a real pull with this disorder between doing nothing other than deal with the side effects, the mood swings, the unexpected 12 hours of sleep or trying to get on with my life and engage with the rest of the world.

I want to be a reliable employee but it's hard. I cannot ignore the things that crop up because of my bipolar disorder anymore than I could ignore a serious back injury. The difference is that when these things pass; when my mood stabilises or I've gotten an excessive need for sleep out of my system, I appear to be fine. I'm not though. I fight every day to keep strange and often violent thoughts at bay. I shut out voices that whisper because I know when they shout I can hear only them. I suppress the memories of my lowest points because if I dwell on them there seems there is no hope for me at all.

So unexpectedly I have a day to myself. I'm not quite sure what to do with it. Amazingly I'm still feeling quite fatigued, perhaps from oversleeping, so I'm not sure that anything energetic is possible. If I'm to be guided purely by my wants then today will involve watching more Doctor Who and eating a donut at some stage. We'll see. The unexpected happens so often to me that I dare not make too firm plans.