Or is it? David Bowie and Alan Rickman are dead and despite vowing that this year I would steer clear of illness and injury we are two weeks in to the new year and I'm in bed at midday with an ice pack bandaged to my cheek.
I have no idea what's going on but two days ago I woke up with muscle pain throughout my body but in particular in my jaw. I left work early to see a doctor at the clinic across the road from work and saw some Doogie Howser type MD (minus the precocious brilliance) who shrugged a lot and prescribed some steroidal anti-inflammatories in the hopes it would clear everything up (the non-steroidal anti-inflammatories interact with my other medication, hence bringing out the big guns while still having no idea what's up with me).
I spent all of yesterday resting my jaw; no talking, no eating anything chewier than baby food, no drinking from water bottles that require a big sucking action and I thought my jaw was feeling a bit better although I was feeling worse in myself, I'm annoyed that there's something wrong with me and I'm missing work which means I'll be financially stressed again this month and I also feel like lounging around the house, even when it's on doctor's orders, is moochy, bad behaviour. It feels like depression behaviour.
Then I began to wonder if I really do have any jaw pain or if it's that severe or if this is some psychosomatic manifestation of something else I'm not dealing with. But I thought I was across all the things I'm not dealing with and was dealing with my not dealing with them pretty well.
My mother suggested I front up to a hospital emergency room but last time I went to emergency when I had severe gastro and dehydration and was convinced I was developing lithium toxicity they were pretty dismissive. Turning up with pain in my jaw that I've already seen a doctor about seems like an invitation to scoff.
I was told it could take a day or two for the steroids to start doing their thing so I think I at least need to give it longer than that. Then I'll consider seeing someone else, although I'm not sure who. Physio? Dental surgeon? Another GP? Psychiatrist? Voodoo priest?
I think I could handle the pain just fine if it weren't also making me feel miserable. I don't want to slump into a depressive episode because I've been grinding my teeth or my neck is out of alignment. I've long noted that my mental health dive bombs at the slightest hint of inflammation or infection. But then I also remember that I have been prone to general muscle fatigue and aches when I've been depressed in the past so this really is a case of what came first. Perhaps I'll never know but I need to hope there's a way I can find to intervene before it turns into a tumbling wheel of cause and effect, rolling down into that deep pit I feel I've only just gotten myself clear of.
I'm trying to treat myself to a day of bed rest and a Buffy marathon but as previously mentioned I'm having a hard time convincing myself I'm not just digging myself into that depression pit with the daytime resting/slothfulness. Maybe I'll try to do some household chores, nothing too strenuous, so that I don't feel so bad. I don't know where my protestant work ethic comes from.
One last thing, having a semi-operative jaw has reminded me how much medication I take. I've gotten so good at swallowing pills that I can knock down a handful at a time, including two horse sized fish oil capsules. I tried to put two small pills in my mouth yesterday and began to choke. It turns out that without opening my jaw wide to open my gullet I have to swallow each pill with a sip of water and it takes FOREVER because there are so many of them. And now I've added the steroids to the pile too so that's most of my morning gone.
I just wandered off to see if the burnt toast I could suddenly smell had a source or was another vague symptom to add to the list but as it's strongest when I open my front door and seems to be coming from my neighbours house I'm taking it as burnt toast. On the 3 metre walk back from the front door I picked up two pairs of shoes and a cardigan and put them away and that exertion has me craving a good lie down. I'm going to try to consider that my household chores done and blob the rest of the day away.
