2013 has been a shitty year. No doubt about it. And to round out this shitty year I'm feeling pretty much like shit. I'm exhausted and anxious and tearful and not at all looking forward to the future which is what everyone's supposed to be doing at this time of year, right?
I tried to be positive and think of a bright future, I even went so far as to consider what I might make as my new year's resolution. All that led to was an hour long reflection on all my vices and shortcomings and how insurmountable it would be to ever overcome them.
I tried to be kind to myself. I woke up feeling rubbish yesterday so decided to treat myself to a movie. When I got into the city there was an hour until the movie began so I thought, I know, I'll go and get these tired shoulders of mine a massage. Well I did, only it was the worst massage of my life. Painful and abrasive, not at all relaxing and I think the masseuse has actually done some serious damage to my neck as I can only turn my head about forty-five degrees now. I should have said something at the time. I should have, but I didn't because I'm terrible at speaking up, even when it comes to my own body.
Tonight I'm packing. Well, packing and eating pizza and blogging. I'm packing for my New Year's Eve in Tallarook. I'm going to a festival with a whole bunch of friends but I'm not really feeling the festive vibe right now. I'm sure it'll be fine, it might even be better than fine, but right now I'm stressing about what to pack and if I'll be warm enough. And I guess I'm just wishing that I wasn't kicking off 2014 feeling like this.
See despite everything that has gone on, I still have hope for the future. Just a sliver, just a glimmer. It's the only reason I'm alive today. I do deep down believe that my life will some day be ok. And I mean just ok, not brilliant, not mind-blowingly awesome, just decent. I'll have some stability and a vague sense of purpose. That's all I'm hoping for. I just don't know when that's going to come. I want it to be 2014 but the way I'm feeling now suggests I still have many struggles ahead of me.
But who knows, 2014 might be great. Hell, the rest of 2013 might be unexpectedly fantastic. Either way, I'll keep you posted.
Monday 30 December 2013
Thursday 26 December 2013
Holidays
Christmas can be tough when you're not feeling very merry. It seems like the rest of the world is erupting in joy and love and you're stuck under a bubble of gloom.
Christmas day was a big family affair and I managed to pull myself together enough to enjoy it, although I drank too much wine and felt shocking today as a result.
I haven't been taking the most excellent care of myself lately. I've been drinking too much too often and sleeping erratically. I half expect that I'm going to go into a state of collapse soon and part of me doesn't even care. I was fantasising about going to hospital the other day at work. I feel I could do with some extra care at present and have all my meals prepared for me and not be expected to do anything with my days. I don't think I'm sick enough to go to hospital, I think I just need a break.
I'm planning on taking some time off at the end of January but that feels like an awfully long time to wait to get some respite.
Maybe I should talk to my boss about cutting back to 4 days a week so I have the chance to rest a bit more. Perhaps just until I'm feeling a bit better. Christmas has exhausted me and New Years Eve will surely take its toll too. I've come a long way this year but I still need to work hard at taking better care of myself.
Amidst all the goings on of the silly season I think that could be a sensible idea. Yes, rest more and perhaps curtail the drinking and hopefully that will be enough to see me out of the woods.
I hope your festive season is happy and restful too.
Christmas day was a big family affair and I managed to pull myself together enough to enjoy it, although I drank too much wine and felt shocking today as a result.
I haven't been taking the most excellent care of myself lately. I've been drinking too much too often and sleeping erratically. I half expect that I'm going to go into a state of collapse soon and part of me doesn't even care. I was fantasising about going to hospital the other day at work. I feel I could do with some extra care at present and have all my meals prepared for me and not be expected to do anything with my days. I don't think I'm sick enough to go to hospital, I think I just need a break.
I'm planning on taking some time off at the end of January but that feels like an awfully long time to wait to get some respite.
Maybe I should talk to my boss about cutting back to 4 days a week so I have the chance to rest a bit more. Perhaps just until I'm feeling a bit better. Christmas has exhausted me and New Years Eve will surely take its toll too. I've come a long way this year but I still need to work hard at taking better care of myself.
Amidst all the goings on of the silly season I think that could be a sensible idea. Yes, rest more and perhaps curtail the drinking and hopefully that will be enough to see me out of the woods.
I hope your festive season is happy and restful too.
Tuesday 10 December 2013
Out of the blue
Life was traveling along just swimmingly then out of the blue I got hit with a nice, healthy dose of crippling anxiety. Totally out of nowhere! I was at work, drinking my morning coffee when suddenly the room started to shrink, a ball of lead appeared in my stomach and my chest started aching like I was having a heart attack.
I tried my usual trick of ignoring it but it's like ignoring a room full of crying babies with megaphones. Not easy. Eventually I gave in to it and excused myself from work, went over to my parents house, took too many Valium and went to bed.
I hate that it happened and it sucks that my coping skills are still so unrefined. If I was a blogger of any substance who you could turn to for words of wisdom and inspiration I would have no doubt written about how I employed my mindfulness techniques and visualised a soothing waterfall but I'm not that advanced, I'm honestly just getting by most of the time and when things turn to shit I still need to duck for cover (and call my Mum!)
Anyway, today was better but the whole episode has me a bit shaken because frankly, I'm tired of this all and just want to get on with my life in a really normal way. That's all I want for Christmas this year. A big box of moving on tied up in a bow.
I suppose I can only wait to see what Santa leaves under the tree.
I tried my usual trick of ignoring it but it's like ignoring a room full of crying babies with megaphones. Not easy. Eventually I gave in to it and excused myself from work, went over to my parents house, took too many Valium and went to bed.
I hate that it happened and it sucks that my coping skills are still so unrefined. If I was a blogger of any substance who you could turn to for words of wisdom and inspiration I would have no doubt written about how I employed my mindfulness techniques and visualised a soothing waterfall but I'm not that advanced, I'm honestly just getting by most of the time and when things turn to shit I still need to duck for cover (and call my Mum!)
Anyway, today was better but the whole episode has me a bit shaken because frankly, I'm tired of this all and just want to get on with my life in a really normal way. That's all I want for Christmas this year. A big box of moving on tied up in a bow.
I suppose I can only wait to see what Santa leaves under the tree.
Monday 2 December 2013
Happy Birthday To Me
I got older.
After a day at work the evening of my birthday was very nearly spent on my own in the IKEA restaurant but considering last year's birthday was spent in a psychiatric hospital it would still have been a step up. As it was when my parents found out they couldn't bear the thought of me spending my birthday alone so they took me out for dinner.
The reason I was in IKEA in the first place was that I needed to make that inevitable trip one always needs to make after moving house. That's right, I'm relocated. Everything is going swimmingly at the new place even though I've found out I'm living with vegans. They're friendly vegans and not the judgmental kind. It's remarkable how much better I feel for having gotten out of my old house. All up I'm feeling pretty good right now.
Still, there is that thing that happens with birthdays, that thing where your thoughts wander to the grand scheme of things and make you take stock. I'm a fairly unaccomplished 32 year old. I still haven't completed a degree, I still don't know how to drive, I've only read about 3/4 of the novels by Dickens. I think it's time for some of those things to change. My problem has never been that I've been incapable of these accomplishments, it's just always been a matter of poor timing. I've made sudden changes in my life or gotten sick at all the wrong moments and things that should have happened years ago have passed me by.
But now could be the time to accomplish some things. I'm about 96.5% committed to returning to study next year. I keep having dreams that I'm driving which I feel is surely some precursor to actually learning to drive and I just read the first four pages of Barnaby Rudge. 32, yes this could be the age of getting things done. It would of course help if the heavens smiled upon me and I refrained from getting unwell this year. Could make for very dull blogging but that could be worth it.
Anyway, I should take my birthday body off to bed and see if I can get through a few more pages of Barnaby Rudge. Goodnight!
After a day at work the evening of my birthday was very nearly spent on my own in the IKEA restaurant but considering last year's birthday was spent in a psychiatric hospital it would still have been a step up. As it was when my parents found out they couldn't bear the thought of me spending my birthday alone so they took me out for dinner.
The reason I was in IKEA in the first place was that I needed to make that inevitable trip one always needs to make after moving house. That's right, I'm relocated. Everything is going swimmingly at the new place even though I've found out I'm living with vegans. They're friendly vegans and not the judgmental kind. It's remarkable how much better I feel for having gotten out of my old house. All up I'm feeling pretty good right now.
Still, there is that thing that happens with birthdays, that thing where your thoughts wander to the grand scheme of things and make you take stock. I'm a fairly unaccomplished 32 year old. I still haven't completed a degree, I still don't know how to drive, I've only read about 3/4 of the novels by Dickens. I think it's time for some of those things to change. My problem has never been that I've been incapable of these accomplishments, it's just always been a matter of poor timing. I've made sudden changes in my life or gotten sick at all the wrong moments and things that should have happened years ago have passed me by.
But now could be the time to accomplish some things. I'm about 96.5% committed to returning to study next year. I keep having dreams that I'm driving which I feel is surely some precursor to actually learning to drive and I just read the first four pages of Barnaby Rudge. 32, yes this could be the age of getting things done. It would of course help if the heavens smiled upon me and I refrained from getting unwell this year. Could make for very dull blogging but that could be worth it.
Anyway, I should take my birthday body off to bed and see if I can get through a few more pages of Barnaby Rudge. Goodnight!
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