Giving Up

Sorry if the title of this post seems a bit grim. I'm actually feeling quite good to be honest, my head has come right again after a weekend of rest and light sedation. No, the giving up I'm referring to is the giving up of one of my vices.

I've read lots of articles about what's bad for you if you have bipolar disorder and topping that list almost always is caffeine. Problem is, I'm a bit of a caffeine addict. On any given day I'd have 2-3 coffees in the morning plus a Diet Coke in the afternoon and maybe a cup of tea thrown in there for good measure. Well I decided what with it being a new year and all that I'd try to take some better care of myself so I've given up caffeine. I weaned myself slowly down to one coffee per day then yesterday I only had a weak cup of tea and then today, nothing. I got a slight headache mid-morning and I did feel like my energy levels were fairly low but I survived, so I guess that's the important thing.

If this quitting caffeine business goes alright I might think about giving up some other things. Next on the list would of course be cigarettes. I fear that's going to be a tricky one. I've quit smoking in the past but always fallen back into the habit so I think there's some part of me that believes it's inevitable that I'll smoke. I also rely emotionally on my smoking. If I'm having a stressful day at work, I go outside for a cigarette. If I'm in a stressful social situation, I excuse myself to go have a cigarette. If I had a great incentive for giving up then I think I'd feel better equipped to give it a go. Sadly the great danger to my physical health doesn't register as a great enough incentive.

I toyed with the idea of giving up alcohol but I think it would be counter productive. Alcohol is also listed as something to avoid if you are of the bipolar way of mind. The trouble is that the vast majority of my social interactions take place around alcohol and while I've done it in the past, I've never much enjoyed being the sober one in a room full of people making merry. I also quite like the feeling of being a little bit drunk. Things are funnier, people are lovelier, the world seems like a more sympathetic place. Provided I don't get paralytic I usually don't suffer from it too terribly the next day. No, I think I should perhaps employ some more moderation when it comes to my drinking but I shouldn't do away with it altogether.

The other bandits on the list are fat, sugar and salt (so basically, the 3 things that give food flavour) but I think my diet, while not ideal, is pretty balanced these days. Having said that I just realised I ate some frozen yoghurt and a peach for dinner. Oh dear! Can I blame the heat? (For those of you outside of Melbourne we're currently in the midst of a heatwave - 2nd of 4 days of 40+ degree heat). Anyway, if I'm going to tackle my diet that will come later. Like much later. Like maybe when I'm in a nursing home.

But for now I'm feeling victorious for having banished caffeine from my day. And with all the money I'm saving on flat whites I intend to buy new workout gear to wear to my yoga classes. Win win.

Insomniac posting

Insomniac posting. Cannot decide yet if it's a matter of can't sleep or won't sleep. I'll pay for this tomorrow but that sounds like future Katie's problem.

So, welcome to 2014! How's it treating you so far?

I did so hope that the new year would bring with it, like a bolt from the blue, an end to all my woes and worries. Alas, not to be. This current hiccup I'm experiencing feels a little different. My thoughts are racing, I'm irritable as all get up and I can't sleep. Sounds like hypomania, right? But where's my fucking high man?! No this is some mixed states bullshit and worst of all is I'm so fucking aware of it happening that my thoughts about it and how wretched it is are just amplified.

(Sorry, just realised I've been cussing like a sailor. I'll clean it up for the next bit.)

Ok, apart from this, things have actually been going pretty well. I've been socialising and enjoying time alone and work has been improving plus there are new job prospects on the horizon. I've read a few good books already this year and signed up to take yoga classes at my local gym. So some things are looking positive. Now to just get the whole racing-head-not-sleeping thing under control. I suppose step 1 would be turn off the computer.

Ok.

Goodnight.