You have no idea how hard it is having this head of mine.
I'm trying not to give up. I'm really trying.
Friday 29 March 2013
Monday 25 March 2013
Unexpected
My weekend without the internet was a partial success. I had to go on Pinterest to get the recipe for chocolate zucchini brownies (don't knock them till you've tried them) to give to my sister but apart from that it was a relaxing weekend devoid of antagonism from the internet.
Last night I finished watching an episode of Doctor Who (I've become a Whovian of late) at around 10.15 after which I took my medication, brushed my teeth and went to bed. It usually takes me a little while to fall asleep but last night wasn't a particularly restless night, I fell asleep within what I would consider a normal amount of time.
This morning however I was woken by my aunt asking me if I had to go to work this morning. It was 8am and I had slept through my 7am and 7.15 alarms without even stirring. I tried to get up but it was like I was bound to the bed. I fell asleep again and woke up at 8.30 which was when I decided to call work and tell them I wouldn't be in today. Then I fell asleep and woke up just after 11. By my estimation I've just had 12 hours of sleep.
There is no obvious reason why I needed 12 hours of sleep last night. I had a very quiet weekend with no late nights, I'd gotten to sleep at a reasonable time last night and I haven't had any recent changes to my medication. My body just occasionally does things which are unexpected.
These curve balls are challenging because they disrupt my daily life and remind me that I'm still a sick person. I feel like there's a real pull with this disorder between doing nothing other than deal with the side effects, the mood swings, the unexpected 12 hours of sleep or trying to get on with my life and engage with the rest of the world.
I want to be a reliable employee but it's hard. I cannot ignore the things that crop up because of my bipolar disorder anymore than I could ignore a serious back injury. The difference is that when these things pass; when my mood stabilises or I've gotten an excessive need for sleep out of my system, I appear to be fine. I'm not though. I fight every day to keep strange and often violent thoughts at bay. I shut out voices that whisper because I know when they shout I can hear only them. I suppress the memories of my lowest points because if I dwell on them there seems there is no hope for me at all.
So unexpectedly I have a day to myself. I'm not quite sure what to do with it. Amazingly I'm still feeling quite fatigued, perhaps from oversleeping, so I'm not sure that anything energetic is possible. If I'm to be guided purely by my wants then today will involve watching more Doctor Who and eating a donut at some stage. We'll see. The unexpected happens so often to me that I dare not make too firm plans.
Last night I finished watching an episode of Doctor Who (I've become a Whovian of late) at around 10.15 after which I took my medication, brushed my teeth and went to bed. It usually takes me a little while to fall asleep but last night wasn't a particularly restless night, I fell asleep within what I would consider a normal amount of time.
This morning however I was woken by my aunt asking me if I had to go to work this morning. It was 8am and I had slept through my 7am and 7.15 alarms without even stirring. I tried to get up but it was like I was bound to the bed. I fell asleep again and woke up at 8.30 which was when I decided to call work and tell them I wouldn't be in today. Then I fell asleep and woke up just after 11. By my estimation I've just had 12 hours of sleep.
There is no obvious reason why I needed 12 hours of sleep last night. I had a very quiet weekend with no late nights, I'd gotten to sleep at a reasonable time last night and I haven't had any recent changes to my medication. My body just occasionally does things which are unexpected.
These curve balls are challenging because they disrupt my daily life and remind me that I'm still a sick person. I feel like there's a real pull with this disorder between doing nothing other than deal with the side effects, the mood swings, the unexpected 12 hours of sleep or trying to get on with my life and engage with the rest of the world.
I want to be a reliable employee but it's hard. I cannot ignore the things that crop up because of my bipolar disorder anymore than I could ignore a serious back injury. The difference is that when these things pass; when my mood stabilises or I've gotten an excessive need for sleep out of my system, I appear to be fine. I'm not though. I fight every day to keep strange and often violent thoughts at bay. I shut out voices that whisper because I know when they shout I can hear only them. I suppress the memories of my lowest points because if I dwell on them there seems there is no hope for me at all.
So unexpectedly I have a day to myself. I'm not quite sure what to do with it. Amazingly I'm still feeling quite fatigued, perhaps from oversleeping, so I'm not sure that anything energetic is possible. If I'm to be guided purely by my wants then today will involve watching more Doctor Who and eating a donut at some stage. We'll see. The unexpected happens so often to me that I dare not make too firm plans.
Friday 22 March 2013
Switch off, unplug, breathe deep
My mood was great today. I woke up feeling spritely, had enough time to drink a cup of coffee AND put mascara on, I was heading out the door when my uncle asked if I wanted a lift to work so rather than being smashed into the armpit of a sweaty man on a crowded tram I was driven to work while listening to the radio so I caught up on the news of the world on the way. Arriving half an hour early I got a jumpstart on the day, went across to ACCA and got a truly exceptional coffee, started my work properly for the day and then it just flew by as I immersed myself in learning about reporting (remember previous post about how I heart excel spreadsheets? These things excite me). I left work early and came home to cook spaghetti bolognese which turned out exceptionally well if I do say so myself, then I had a fantastic long chat with my cousin. Watched a bit of Elementary on the telly then came upstairs and picked up my iPad.
Whoosh!
That was the sound of my good mood vanishing.
What is it with the fucking Internet? There's a troll on my favourite feminist board on Pinterest and usually I can step back and say to myself "Katie, this person is an idiot, stop reading the comments" but tonight I just kept reading them and then it was like I was seeking them out just to get more and more red in the face and upset. I wanted to have a reaction that meant something, that did something but there was nothing I could do. I'd start writing responses to his boorish remarks but then I'd realise they weren't enough and they showed I cared what he thought, which is not the case, but I care about the spaces in which I get to share ideas and have a dialogue about the things I do care about.
Then I went onto Facebook, which I generally avoid since I know it makes me dislike people I actually know and there were all kinds of asinine commentaries on yesterday's leadership spill mixed in amongst the other usual self important and inane crap. I felt frustrated.
Even though my head is loopy and my good mood probably has everything to do with the fact that I actually can't remember anything at the moment, I do still have a fairly formidable mind. I am a university drop out because I wasn't receiving the kind of stimulation I craved in the classroom and I am still craving it. Next weekend there is a conference at The University of Melbourne run by the Socialist Alternative called Marxism. I had been interested in attending it when I heard that Brian Jones was going to be performing Howard Zinn's 'Marx in Soho', a text I read while in the US. Further reading of the program and some correspondence with my ex-boyfriend, the socialist, informed me of a series of discussions being held about education. I'm very tempted to attend. Part of me thinks or perhaps hopes that I might find some satiating material to appease my needy mind. Then there's a part of me that concludes that all trolls or Facebook users are actually people and these people may be the ones attending this conference in which case I'll be surrounded by voices that make my blood boil and it would be better really to stay home in bed.
I don't know what the answer is. I think for a short while anyway I should give the internet a break. Definitely for at least one day, maybe the whole weekend. That's it, it's a ludite weekend. See you on the other side.
(ok, I have to tell you, my iPad changed ludite to ludicrous. Is that an Apple commentary?)
Whoosh!
That was the sound of my good mood vanishing.
What is it with the fucking Internet? There's a troll on my favourite feminist board on Pinterest and usually I can step back and say to myself "Katie, this person is an idiot, stop reading the comments" but tonight I just kept reading them and then it was like I was seeking them out just to get more and more red in the face and upset. I wanted to have a reaction that meant something, that did something but there was nothing I could do. I'd start writing responses to his boorish remarks but then I'd realise they weren't enough and they showed I cared what he thought, which is not the case, but I care about the spaces in which I get to share ideas and have a dialogue about the things I do care about.
Then I went onto Facebook, which I generally avoid since I know it makes me dislike people I actually know and there were all kinds of asinine commentaries on yesterday's leadership spill mixed in amongst the other usual self important and inane crap. I felt frustrated.
Even though my head is loopy and my good mood probably has everything to do with the fact that I actually can't remember anything at the moment, I do still have a fairly formidable mind. I am a university drop out because I wasn't receiving the kind of stimulation I craved in the classroom and I am still craving it. Next weekend there is a conference at The University of Melbourne run by the Socialist Alternative called Marxism. I had been interested in attending it when I heard that Brian Jones was going to be performing Howard Zinn's 'Marx in Soho', a text I read while in the US. Further reading of the program and some correspondence with my ex-boyfriend, the socialist, informed me of a series of discussions being held about education. I'm very tempted to attend. Part of me thinks or perhaps hopes that I might find some satiating material to appease my needy mind. Then there's a part of me that concludes that all trolls or Facebook users are actually people and these people may be the ones attending this conference in which case I'll be surrounded by voices that make my blood boil and it would be better really to stay home in bed.
I don't know what the answer is. I think for a short while anyway I should give the internet a break. Definitely for at least one day, maybe the whole weekend. That's it, it's a ludite weekend. See you on the other side.
(ok, I have to tell you, my iPad changed ludite to ludicrous. Is that an Apple commentary?)
Tuesday 19 March 2013
Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes
The weather changed. The heat wave broke and cool winds brought sweet relief. My medication regime changed and brought with it new side effects, more on that later. And my mood changed. It shifted upwards enough for me to return to work and see that there is a light, it's just not shining on me yet.
I've also had a change in my student status. Specifically changing from being a student to not being one. It's a decision I probably should have made after last year's debacle with me withdrawing. I told one of my teachers what I was going through and asked for some leniency on deadlines. She told me I needed to hand in three assignments by the next class and do a presentation and when I broke down in tears her response was one of annoyance rather than compassion. Anyway I'm sure I'll return to study one day.
The most notable new side effect from the doubling of my Cymbalta dose is short term memory loss. At various points in the last week I've been unable to recall computer passwords, peoples names, who texted me five minutes ago, even my own phone number. I wandered on to a train platform today and couldn't remember where I was supposed to be going. Hardest of all for me is I find myself pausing to recall words that usually fall off my tongue. I'm having a reaction to my memory problem that oscillates between serious concern and ambivalence. Sometimes I think it's something I really need to get on top of and other times I think it's just one other side effect that I have to get used to. I really don't know how much more can be done in terms of tinkering with my medication. I'm up to maximum levels on some meds and the rest I've yo-yo'd up and down with already trying to find the right balance. I don't know. In case you can't tell I'm in my ambivalent phase right now.
I think I'll probably need to cut my already barely existent social life right back to none until I work out whether this memory thing is here to stay. I get so anxious when I'm out and usually I'm alright if I know I have an escape route but feeling befuddled would just make the whole experience much more distressing. No, I think it's an indoors existence with no surprises for me for now.
I've also had a change in my student status. Specifically changing from being a student to not being one. It's a decision I probably should have made after last year's debacle with me withdrawing. I told one of my teachers what I was going through and asked for some leniency on deadlines. She told me I needed to hand in three assignments by the next class and do a presentation and when I broke down in tears her response was one of annoyance rather than compassion. Anyway I'm sure I'll return to study one day.
The most notable new side effect from the doubling of my Cymbalta dose is short term memory loss. At various points in the last week I've been unable to recall computer passwords, peoples names, who texted me five minutes ago, even my own phone number. I wandered on to a train platform today and couldn't remember where I was supposed to be going. Hardest of all for me is I find myself pausing to recall words that usually fall off my tongue. I'm having a reaction to my memory problem that oscillates between serious concern and ambivalence. Sometimes I think it's something I really need to get on top of and other times I think it's just one other side effect that I have to get used to. I really don't know how much more can be done in terms of tinkering with my medication. I'm up to maximum levels on some meds and the rest I've yo-yo'd up and down with already trying to find the right balance. I don't know. In case you can't tell I'm in my ambivalent phase right now.
I think I'll probably need to cut my already barely existent social life right back to none until I work out whether this memory thing is here to stay. I get so anxious when I'm out and usually I'm alright if I know I have an escape route but feeling befuddled would just make the whole experience much more distressing. No, I think it's an indoors existence with no surprises for me for now.
Wednesday 13 March 2013
If I could snap out of it
If I could snap out of it I would.
I don't want this sinking feeling, these horrifying thoughts, this screen between me and the ones I love, this colander brain that only holds the bad thoughts and lets all of the salient details of life fall through. I don't want to dive down this dark rabbit hole again and like Alice before me find myself in a strange and hostile place where my body behaves in an abnormal manner beyond my control. I fear the fear that is coming. I loathe the version of me that loathes myself.
My psychiatrist has referred me to be readmitted to hospital. I don't have to go but I'm being given this option. I don't know what to do. I want someone else at the reigns. I feel like I make such a hash of my life that I shouldn't be left to control it.
I want this bit over. I want it done. If I could snap out of it I would.
I don't want this sinking feeling, these horrifying thoughts, this screen between me and the ones I love, this colander brain that only holds the bad thoughts and lets all of the salient details of life fall through. I don't want to dive down this dark rabbit hole again and like Alice before me find myself in a strange and hostile place where my body behaves in an abnormal manner beyond my control. I fear the fear that is coming. I loathe the version of me that loathes myself.
My psychiatrist has referred me to be readmitted to hospital. I don't have to go but I'm being given this option. I don't know what to do. I want someone else at the reigns. I feel like I make such a hash of my life that I shouldn't be left to control it.
I want this bit over. I want it done. If I could snap out of it I would.
Monday 11 March 2013
Catch up
I had patchy internet and little inclination to blog for the remainder of my trip and then got back and life was all busy etc etc so it's been a while between blogs.
To sum up what has been happening since last we met on these merry fields of the internet;
To sum up what has been happening since last we met on these merry fields of the internet;
- I got a tattoo
 |
| A tiny book on my left forearm. A reminder that sometimes I need to turn the page as a new chapter is about to begin. |
- Andrea and I flew to New York then went upstate to stay with her family near the beautiful town of Hudson
- We visited New Paltz, our old college town. It was still heart-breakingly lovely. The woman in one of the antique stores recognised me.
- I met Andrea's grandma
- I bought a lovely antique suitcase
- Andrea and I went to New York City and stayed in a fancy hotel with bathrobes and everything
- I still <3 NY
- I don't even know what to say, we went to some of my favourite restaurants; Nom Wah Tea Parlour and Alice's Tea Cup
- The time seemed too short and I wasn't getting any closer to feeling satisfied with what I was doing in New York
- I saw my old friends from Broadway.com, we went for dinner at Heartland Brewery and it was like a dream
- It wasn't enough, just to be there visiting. I didn't feel like I was doing anything other than notifying my friends, notifying the city that I was still around and letting them know I'd visit again soon
- I saw Cat on a Hot Tin Roof with Scarlet Johannson, Nice Work if You Can Get It and the Steppenwolf production of Whose Afraid of Virginia Woolfe. They were all amazing.
- I spent a whole day cowering in bed, unable to deal with the world outside
- I flew home. It was nasty and long and the food was rubbish.
- I tried to make nice with my jet lag but days later and I'm still struggling
- I've been tired
- I've been flat
- I've stopped smoking cigarettes
- My body issues are taking up too much of my head space
- I put off blogging
- I kept putting it off
- I've blogged. I'll elaborate on things in days to come.
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