So close

Passport arrived, visa organised, bags packed, bring on Saturday.

I bought $140 worth of medication to take with me, I have a letter from my psychiatrist and spare Seroquel and Temazepam in case things all get a bit to much (I should clarify, I will be using these drugs for their intended purposes at appropriate dosages. No current self harm thoughts.)

It was interesting when I was filling out my US visa waiver application, they ask if you have any communicable diseases or mental or physical conditions that could render you a threat to yourself or others. I had to very carefully read the definition as I do actually have a mental condition which has in the past caused me to be a threat to myself. There was an option which stated that if you do have a mental condition that has caused you to be a threat but it's unlikely it will reoccur then answer no, so I went with no.

But what is the likelihood of reoccurence? Well, the answer is pretty high. I mean not immediately, despite the rough patches I've experienced over the past week, but in my lifetime, yeah, I'm probably going to have more episodes.

I feel now more than ever before that I am dealing with a lifelong condition which affects me every day. I think my brain was somehow changed by the psychotic episode last year. My brain works differently and has moments most days where it goes a bit loopy and there's chatter and free association taking place all througout my head which I have no part in but just observe. I also wonder if I have some PTSD type symptoms as I have flashbacks from my episode and I startle easily.

That might make my ever so soon trip sound like a foolish idea. Clearly I'm not yet well, clearly I'm still fragile and to make matters worse I may have just lied on my US visa waiver application, but really, if there's no knowing what may come, if the next episode is waiting around the corner then I actually need to make the very most of the time I do have when I'm not incapacitated.