Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes

The weather changed. The heat wave broke and cool winds brought sweet relief. My medication regime changed and brought with it new side effects, more on that later. And my mood changed. It shifted upwards  enough for me to return to work and see that there is a light, it's just not shining on me yet.

I've also had a change in my student status. Specifically changing from being a student to not being one. It's a decision I probably should have made after last year's debacle with me withdrawing. I told one of my teachers what I was going through and asked for some leniency on deadlines. She told me I needed to hand in three assignments by the next class and do a presentation and when I broke down in tears her response was one of annoyance rather than compassion. Anyway I'm sure I'll return to study one day.

The most notable new side effect from the doubling of my Cymbalta dose is short term memory loss. At various points in the last week I've been unable to recall computer passwords, peoples names, who texted me five minutes ago, even my own phone number. I wandered on to a train platform today and couldn't remember where I was supposed to be going. Hardest of all for me is I find myself pausing to recall words that usually fall off my tongue. I'm having a reaction to my memory problem that oscillates between serious concern and ambivalence. Sometimes I think it's something I really need to get on top of and other times I think it's just one other side effect that I have to get used to. I really don't know how much more can be done in terms of tinkering with my medication. I'm up to maximum levels on some meds and the rest I've yo-yo'd up and down with already trying to find the right balance. I don't know. In case you can't tell I'm in my ambivalent phase right now.

I think I'll probably need to cut my already barely existent social life right back to none until I work out whether this memory thing is here to stay. I get so anxious when I'm out and usually I'm alright if I know I have an escape route but feeling befuddled would just make the whole experience much more distressing. No, I think it's an indoors existence with no surprises for me for now.