This is turning out to be quite a time of upheaval and change for me. I was thinking to myself just the other day how well I was handling it all. Well, that was a nice day. I should have known it was never going to last.
I think when all the change seemed very abstract and theoretical to me I could cope with it just fine but now that I've had some concrete lumps of inevitable fact dumped in my lap I'm freaking out just a little. So, what's changed?
Well, I confirmed the date I'm moving out of my current sublet and in with my brother and my nephew. Suddenly the thought of moving across to the other side of town seems scary and I'm panicking because I haven't used up all 10 of the yoga classes I paid for. In the few moments of rationality I'm afforded I recognise that there is nothing to stop me travelling back to this side of town to take a yoga class because really it's not that far and let's face it, I'm soon likely to have more free time on my hands.
I don't think I've itirated this at all in my blog yet but I'm going to be without work as of next Friday. My department is being folded into another department for the time being and so my services will no longer be required. I'd managed to push my impending unemployment to the back of my mind but now that it's steadily approaching I'm hitting panic mode. I had a job interview today which I think I tanked (group interview - revealed my weakness for not suffering fools) and I have another one on Thursday but there is still a distinct possibility that I might have no income in less than two weeks.
What I do know I'll be doing in two weeks is attending orientation at Deakin University where I've been accepted to study a Bachelor of Arts. I've been saying I wanted to go back to study for months but now that it's really happening I'm filled with feelings of dread and inadequacy. What happens if I'm not smart enough? What if everyone there hates me? What if the poverty I'll have to endure while studying drives me back to the brink?
I'm getting stress headaches just thinking about all of this. There have even been times this week when I've been so preoccupied that I've forgotten to eat. Me! Forget to eat!
What I need to do is practice some acceptance and commitment therapy and recognise that the panicky thoughts are not helping me. Then I need to commit to taking actions and thinking thoughts that are helpful and in line with my goals and values. In practical terms this means staying organised so that I don't get overwhelmed by any of the upcoming events, taking care of myself so getting good rest, eating well and regularly and attending yoga and lastly, reaching out to those around me to let them know this is likely to be a rough time and I might need help.
So there you are, you're forewarned, rough seas ahead. But hopefully once I've gone through this transition time it will all be smooth sailing.
Tuesday, 18 February 2014
Friday, 14 February 2014
Busy
This is a very hurried post because it's Friday morning and I should be getting ready for work.
My life has felt quite hurried and full these last few weeks as I've tried to juggle deadlines, socialising, family commitments and care for myself.
So, what's been going on you ask?
Well, firstly I've been madly applying for jobs and university courses. Jobs because I need to leave my current job and university courses because I made a last minute decision that the best thing I could do to nourish my recovering brain is stimulate it with study. I've had to run around town tracking down copies of transcripts from all my previous educational institutions but finally everything has been found, copied, certified and submitted.
I've gone out a fair few times these past weeks but then this week I've also indulged in some theatrical immersion seeing three play readings and one full scale production. I've also this week bought tickets for some interstate productions of Macbeth so I've got at least two mini-holidays in the pipelines this year.
This week has also been a big week due to the very exciting arrival of my brand new baby niece. I was on hand to wrangle the two older children so I got to see the precious thing when she was only minutes old. Such a blessing and such a happy time for our family.
Finally I've been trying to spare a few moments here and there to make sure I'm caring for myself properly. This means going to yoga, resting, eating nourishing food and just trying to find some still moments to check in with myself to see how I'm really going. This has been particularly important since I've had to change my medication regime. I have developed a facial tic which can be an indication that the medication has caused a condition called tardive dyskinesia. This is characterised by pronounced, permanent tics or bodily movements. In the hopes that my tic will go away I'm being weaned off Saphris, the antipsychotic I have been taking. So it's just a matter of seeing how I go without it and then coming up with a strategy if everything is not ok. So far I'm feeling fine, in fact I'm feeling rather positive about the future at present.
And now I really must dash as work beckons and I must go. I'll update you soon on any advancements on the job/study front.
My life has felt quite hurried and full these last few weeks as I've tried to juggle deadlines, socialising, family commitments and care for myself.
So, what's been going on you ask?
Well, firstly I've been madly applying for jobs and university courses. Jobs because I need to leave my current job and university courses because I made a last minute decision that the best thing I could do to nourish my recovering brain is stimulate it with study. I've had to run around town tracking down copies of transcripts from all my previous educational institutions but finally everything has been found, copied, certified and submitted.
I've gone out a fair few times these past weeks but then this week I've also indulged in some theatrical immersion seeing three play readings and one full scale production. I've also this week bought tickets for some interstate productions of Macbeth so I've got at least two mini-holidays in the pipelines this year.
This week has also been a big week due to the very exciting arrival of my brand new baby niece. I was on hand to wrangle the two older children so I got to see the precious thing when she was only minutes old. Such a blessing and such a happy time for our family.
Finally I've been trying to spare a few moments here and there to make sure I'm caring for myself properly. This means going to yoga, resting, eating nourishing food and just trying to find some still moments to check in with myself to see how I'm really going. This has been particularly important since I've had to change my medication regime. I have developed a facial tic which can be an indication that the medication has caused a condition called tardive dyskinesia. This is characterised by pronounced, permanent tics or bodily movements. In the hopes that my tic will go away I'm being weaned off Saphris, the antipsychotic I have been taking. So it's just a matter of seeing how I go without it and then coming up with a strategy if everything is not ok. So far I'm feeling fine, in fact I'm feeling rather positive about the future at present.
And now I really must dash as work beckons and I must go. I'll update you soon on any advancements on the job/study front.
Wednesday, 15 January 2014
Giving Up
Sorry if the title of this post seems a bit grim. I'm actually feeling quite good to be honest, my head has come right again after a weekend of rest and light sedation. No, the giving up I'm referring to is the giving up of one of my vices.
I've read lots of articles about what's bad for you if you have bipolar disorder and topping that list almost always is caffeine. Problem is, I'm a bit of a caffeine addict. On any given day I'd have 2-3 coffees in the morning plus a Diet Coke in the afternoon and maybe a cup of tea thrown in there for good measure. Well I decided what with it being a new year and all that I'd try to take some better care of myself so I've given up caffeine. I weaned myself slowly down to one coffee per day then yesterday I only had a weak cup of tea and then today, nothing. I got a slight headache mid-morning and I did feel like my energy levels were fairly low but I survived, so I guess that's the important thing.
If this quitting caffeine business goes alright I might think about giving up some other things. Next on the list would of course be cigarettes. I fear that's going to be a tricky one. I've quit smoking in the past but always fallen back into the habit so I think there's some part of me that believes it's inevitable that I'll smoke. I also rely emotionally on my smoking. If I'm having a stressful day at work, I go outside for a cigarette. If I'm in a stressful social situation, I excuse myself to go have a cigarette. If I had a great incentive for giving up then I think I'd feel better equipped to give it a go. Sadly the great danger to my physical health doesn't register as a great enough incentive.
I toyed with the idea of giving up alcohol but I think it would be counter productive. Alcohol is also listed as something to avoid if you are of the bipolar way of mind. The trouble is that the vast majority of my social interactions take place around alcohol and while I've done it in the past, I've never much enjoyed being the sober one in a room full of people making merry. I also quite like the feeling of being a little bit drunk. Things are funnier, people are lovelier, the world seems like a more sympathetic place. Provided I don't get paralytic I usually don't suffer from it too terribly the next day. No, I think I should perhaps employ some more moderation when it comes to my drinking but I shouldn't do away with it altogether.
The other bandits on the list are fat, sugar and salt (so basically, the 3 things that give food flavour) but I think my diet, while not ideal, is pretty balanced these days. Having said that I just realised I ate some frozen yoghurt and a peach for dinner. Oh dear! Can I blame the heat? (For those of you outside of Melbourne we're currently in the midst of a heatwave - 2nd of 4 days of 40+ degree heat). Anyway, if I'm going to tackle my diet that will come later. Like much later. Like maybe when I'm in a nursing home.
But for now I'm feeling victorious for having banished caffeine from my day. And with all the money I'm saving on flat whites I intend to buy new workout gear to wear to my yoga classes. Win win.
I've read lots of articles about what's bad for you if you have bipolar disorder and topping that list almost always is caffeine. Problem is, I'm a bit of a caffeine addict. On any given day I'd have 2-3 coffees in the morning plus a Diet Coke in the afternoon and maybe a cup of tea thrown in there for good measure. Well I decided what with it being a new year and all that I'd try to take some better care of myself so I've given up caffeine. I weaned myself slowly down to one coffee per day then yesterday I only had a weak cup of tea and then today, nothing. I got a slight headache mid-morning and I did feel like my energy levels were fairly low but I survived, so I guess that's the important thing.
If this quitting caffeine business goes alright I might think about giving up some other things. Next on the list would of course be cigarettes. I fear that's going to be a tricky one. I've quit smoking in the past but always fallen back into the habit so I think there's some part of me that believes it's inevitable that I'll smoke. I also rely emotionally on my smoking. If I'm having a stressful day at work, I go outside for a cigarette. If I'm in a stressful social situation, I excuse myself to go have a cigarette. If I had a great incentive for giving up then I think I'd feel better equipped to give it a go. Sadly the great danger to my physical health doesn't register as a great enough incentive.
I toyed with the idea of giving up alcohol but I think it would be counter productive. Alcohol is also listed as something to avoid if you are of the bipolar way of mind. The trouble is that the vast majority of my social interactions take place around alcohol and while I've done it in the past, I've never much enjoyed being the sober one in a room full of people making merry. I also quite like the feeling of being a little bit drunk. Things are funnier, people are lovelier, the world seems like a more sympathetic place. Provided I don't get paralytic I usually don't suffer from it too terribly the next day. No, I think I should perhaps employ some more moderation when it comes to my drinking but I shouldn't do away with it altogether.
The other bandits on the list are fat, sugar and salt (so basically, the 3 things that give food flavour) but I think my diet, while not ideal, is pretty balanced these days. Having said that I just realised I ate some frozen yoghurt and a peach for dinner. Oh dear! Can I blame the heat? (For those of you outside of Melbourne we're currently in the midst of a heatwave - 2nd of 4 days of 40+ degree heat). Anyway, if I'm going to tackle my diet that will come later. Like much later. Like maybe when I'm in a nursing home.
But for now I'm feeling victorious for having banished caffeine from my day. And with all the money I'm saving on flat whites I intend to buy new workout gear to wear to my yoga classes. Win win.
Friday, 10 January 2014
Insomniac posting
Insomniac posting. Cannot decide yet if it's a matter of can't sleep or won't sleep. I'll pay for this tomorrow but that sounds like future Katie's problem.
So, welcome to 2014! How's it treating you so far?
I did so hope that the new year would bring with it, like a bolt from the blue, an end to all my woes and worries. Alas, not to be. This current hiccup I'm experiencing feels a little different. My thoughts are racing, I'm irritable as all get up and I can't sleep. Sounds like hypomania, right? But where's my fucking high man?! No this is some mixed states bullshit and worst of all is I'm so fucking aware of it happening that my thoughts about it and how wretched it is are just amplified.
(Sorry, just realised I've been cussing like a sailor. I'll clean it up for the next bit.)
Ok, apart from this, things have actually been going pretty well. I've been socialising and enjoying time alone and work has been improving plus there are new job prospects on the horizon. I've read a few good books already this year and signed up to take yoga classes at my local gym. So some things are looking positive. Now to just get the whole racing-head-not-sleeping thing under control. I suppose step 1 would be turn off the computer.
Ok.
Goodnight.
So, welcome to 2014! How's it treating you so far?
I did so hope that the new year would bring with it, like a bolt from the blue, an end to all my woes and worries. Alas, not to be. This current hiccup I'm experiencing feels a little different. My thoughts are racing, I'm irritable as all get up and I can't sleep. Sounds like hypomania, right? But where's my fucking high man?! No this is some mixed states bullshit and worst of all is I'm so fucking aware of it happening that my thoughts about it and how wretched it is are just amplified.
(Sorry, just realised I've been cussing like a sailor. I'll clean it up for the next bit.)
Ok, apart from this, things have actually been going pretty well. I've been socialising and enjoying time alone and work has been improving plus there are new job prospects on the horizon. I've read a few good books already this year and signed up to take yoga classes at my local gym. So some things are looking positive. Now to just get the whole racing-head-not-sleeping thing under control. I suppose step 1 would be turn off the computer.
Ok.
Goodnight.
Monday, 30 December 2013
Rounding out 2013
2013 has been a shitty year. No doubt about it. And to round out this shitty year I'm feeling pretty much like shit. I'm exhausted and anxious and tearful and not at all looking forward to the future which is what everyone's supposed to be doing at this time of year, right?
I tried to be positive and think of a bright future, I even went so far as to consider what I might make as my new year's resolution. All that led to was an hour long reflection on all my vices and shortcomings and how insurmountable it would be to ever overcome them.
I tried to be kind to myself. I woke up feeling rubbish yesterday so decided to treat myself to a movie. When I got into the city there was an hour until the movie began so I thought, I know, I'll go and get these tired shoulders of mine a massage. Well I did, only it was the worst massage of my life. Painful and abrasive, not at all relaxing and I think the masseuse has actually done some serious damage to my neck as I can only turn my head about forty-five degrees now. I should have said something at the time. I should have, but I didn't because I'm terrible at speaking up, even when it comes to my own body.
Tonight I'm packing. Well, packing and eating pizza and blogging. I'm packing for my New Year's Eve in Tallarook. I'm going to a festival with a whole bunch of friends but I'm not really feeling the festive vibe right now. I'm sure it'll be fine, it might even be better than fine, but right now I'm stressing about what to pack and if I'll be warm enough. And I guess I'm just wishing that I wasn't kicking off 2014 feeling like this.
See despite everything that has gone on, I still have hope for the future. Just a sliver, just a glimmer. It's the only reason I'm alive today. I do deep down believe that my life will some day be ok. And I mean just ok, not brilliant, not mind-blowingly awesome, just decent. I'll have some stability and a vague sense of purpose. That's all I'm hoping for. I just don't know when that's going to come. I want it to be 2014 but the way I'm feeling now suggests I still have many struggles ahead of me.
But who knows, 2014 might be great. Hell, the rest of 2013 might be unexpectedly fantastic. Either way, I'll keep you posted.
I tried to be positive and think of a bright future, I even went so far as to consider what I might make as my new year's resolution. All that led to was an hour long reflection on all my vices and shortcomings and how insurmountable it would be to ever overcome them.
I tried to be kind to myself. I woke up feeling rubbish yesterday so decided to treat myself to a movie. When I got into the city there was an hour until the movie began so I thought, I know, I'll go and get these tired shoulders of mine a massage. Well I did, only it was the worst massage of my life. Painful and abrasive, not at all relaxing and I think the masseuse has actually done some serious damage to my neck as I can only turn my head about forty-five degrees now. I should have said something at the time. I should have, but I didn't because I'm terrible at speaking up, even when it comes to my own body.
Tonight I'm packing. Well, packing and eating pizza and blogging. I'm packing for my New Year's Eve in Tallarook. I'm going to a festival with a whole bunch of friends but I'm not really feeling the festive vibe right now. I'm sure it'll be fine, it might even be better than fine, but right now I'm stressing about what to pack and if I'll be warm enough. And I guess I'm just wishing that I wasn't kicking off 2014 feeling like this.
See despite everything that has gone on, I still have hope for the future. Just a sliver, just a glimmer. It's the only reason I'm alive today. I do deep down believe that my life will some day be ok. And I mean just ok, not brilliant, not mind-blowingly awesome, just decent. I'll have some stability and a vague sense of purpose. That's all I'm hoping for. I just don't know when that's going to come. I want it to be 2014 but the way I'm feeling now suggests I still have many struggles ahead of me.
But who knows, 2014 might be great. Hell, the rest of 2013 might be unexpectedly fantastic. Either way, I'll keep you posted.
Thursday, 26 December 2013
Holidays
Christmas can be tough when you're not feeling very merry. It seems like the rest of the world is erupting in joy and love and you're stuck under a bubble of gloom.
Christmas day was a big family affair and I managed to pull myself together enough to enjoy it, although I drank too much wine and felt shocking today as a result.
I haven't been taking the most excellent care of myself lately. I've been drinking too much too often and sleeping erratically. I half expect that I'm going to go into a state of collapse soon and part of me doesn't even care. I was fantasising about going to hospital the other day at work. I feel I could do with some extra care at present and have all my meals prepared for me and not be expected to do anything with my days. I don't think I'm sick enough to go to hospital, I think I just need a break.
I'm planning on taking some time off at the end of January but that feels like an awfully long time to wait to get some respite.
Maybe I should talk to my boss about cutting back to 4 days a week so I have the chance to rest a bit more. Perhaps just until I'm feeling a bit better. Christmas has exhausted me and New Years Eve will surely take its toll too. I've come a long way this year but I still need to work hard at taking better care of myself.
Amidst all the goings on of the silly season I think that could be a sensible idea. Yes, rest more and perhaps curtail the drinking and hopefully that will be enough to see me out of the woods.
I hope your festive season is happy and restful too.
Christmas day was a big family affair and I managed to pull myself together enough to enjoy it, although I drank too much wine and felt shocking today as a result.
I haven't been taking the most excellent care of myself lately. I've been drinking too much too often and sleeping erratically. I half expect that I'm going to go into a state of collapse soon and part of me doesn't even care. I was fantasising about going to hospital the other day at work. I feel I could do with some extra care at present and have all my meals prepared for me and not be expected to do anything with my days. I don't think I'm sick enough to go to hospital, I think I just need a break.
I'm planning on taking some time off at the end of January but that feels like an awfully long time to wait to get some respite.
Maybe I should talk to my boss about cutting back to 4 days a week so I have the chance to rest a bit more. Perhaps just until I'm feeling a bit better. Christmas has exhausted me and New Years Eve will surely take its toll too. I've come a long way this year but I still need to work hard at taking better care of myself.
Amidst all the goings on of the silly season I think that could be a sensible idea. Yes, rest more and perhaps curtail the drinking and hopefully that will be enough to see me out of the woods.
I hope your festive season is happy and restful too.
Tuesday, 10 December 2013
Out of the blue
Life was traveling along just swimmingly then out of the blue I got hit with a nice, healthy dose of crippling anxiety. Totally out of nowhere! I was at work, drinking my morning coffee when suddenly the room started to shrink, a ball of lead appeared in my stomach and my chest started aching like I was having a heart attack.
I tried my usual trick of ignoring it but it's like ignoring a room full of crying babies with megaphones. Not easy. Eventually I gave in to it and excused myself from work, went over to my parents house, took too many Valium and went to bed.
I hate that it happened and it sucks that my coping skills are still so unrefined. If I was a blogger of any substance who you could turn to for words of wisdom and inspiration I would have no doubt written about how I employed my mindfulness techniques and visualised a soothing waterfall but I'm not that advanced, I'm honestly just getting by most of the time and when things turn to shit I still need to duck for cover (and call my Mum!)
Anyway, today was better but the whole episode has me a bit shaken because frankly, I'm tired of this all and just want to get on with my life in a really normal way. That's all I want for Christmas this year. A big box of moving on tied up in a bow.
I suppose I can only wait to see what Santa leaves under the tree.
I tried my usual trick of ignoring it but it's like ignoring a room full of crying babies with megaphones. Not easy. Eventually I gave in to it and excused myself from work, went over to my parents house, took too many Valium and went to bed.
I hate that it happened and it sucks that my coping skills are still so unrefined. If I was a blogger of any substance who you could turn to for words of wisdom and inspiration I would have no doubt written about how I employed my mindfulness techniques and visualised a soothing waterfall but I'm not that advanced, I'm honestly just getting by most of the time and when things turn to shit I still need to duck for cover (and call my Mum!)
Anyway, today was better but the whole episode has me a bit shaken because frankly, I'm tired of this all and just want to get on with my life in a really normal way. That's all I want for Christmas this year. A big box of moving on tied up in a bow.
I suppose I can only wait to see what Santa leaves under the tree.
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